On Pornsick Bastards

TW

Nearly all men watch pornography.

That is, of the men you encounter in your daily life, nearly every one of them consumes images of women being f’ked in a violent and degrading manner.

The other day I was spending time with a good friend who has recently begun dating a new man. This man, she says, frequently asks to ejaculate on her face and body, and will not stop harassing her for anal sex. When they do “make love”, he is a jackhammer. He treats her body as if it were a masturbation receptacle. She doesn’t like the things he asks for in bed, but she wasn’t all that upset about his requests. Probably because for her, and many straight women, his requests are the norm.

What is a pornsick bastard? They come in many varieties- from the man who posts the Hooters calendar on his bathroom door, to the man who cannot achieve release without recalling degrading images of women.

Pornsick bastards are everywhere.

Many studies concerned with the effect of pornography discuss the negative impact it has on male sexual satisfaction. The concern is that the “normal” cycle of PIV [penis in vagina sex] with an intimate partner is being interrupted by the male fascination with porn, since he can’t “successfully” f’k women in person as well as he once did.

Radical feminists object for another reason. We see that these men are participating in and propping up the system that says the purpose of women is her existence as a f’k object, rather than a person. They feel entitled to do whatever they wish to women’s bodies, instead of treating us as humans. They have no empathy for the suffering they cause.

This is our world right now.

As Rebecca Mott has pointed out, pornography and prostitution are two sides of the same coin. Porn watchers are johns- as much as they wish to deny this reality, and make excuses for their exploitative behavior.

On a personal note, I’ve found that most folks in my everyday life do no want to address the issue of pornsick bastards. Perhaps the problem is too big, and so it feels better to just ignore it. Maybe it’s because those around me object to the idea that they are, in fact, pornsick bastards.

And what then? When you realize that some of those you care about- your sons, your partner, or your friends- are pornsick bastards?

It is lonely to be awake to the truths of male supremacy in action.

About smash
Women's liberationist.

174 Responses to On Pornsick Bastards

  1. MarySunshine says:

    Yes, it is lonely.

    And it’s so much *worse* now than it was when I was young.

    Little girls are in for a horrific time of it. By the time they are ten, boys are turning into pornhounds. You can’t stop it, any more than you can stop a mudslide that’s rushing down a mountain.

    • smash says:

      It’s true. The average first age of porn watching is 10. So depressing.

    • Snarkurchin says:

      I observed its getting worse in the same man over the course of a relationship. My X-hub occasionally bought home “bargain bin” porn VCR tapes that were so old nobody would pay to rent them anymore. In the 1990s, mainstream porn from the 70s and 80’s didn’t seem so bad. I even watched it myself for awhile. But as time went on and the “old” porn got newer, he wanted to do the stuff he saw/the stuff his younger friends said their girlfriends did. The fact that I am disturbed by seeing women being choked merely meant I was a sad old prude, even though he is FIFTEEN YEARS older than I am. (Yes, I was an idiot–and I’m not even mentioning The Anal Wars.)

      His words to the marriage counselor were “She grew up and I didn’t.” I prefer to say “I decided I was human, and you didn’t.” (This wasn’t the only reason I divorced him, but it was a biggie.)

      The next guy I dated was a unicorn or something–he didn’t watch (much) porn. That relationship had its problems, but you know what kind of problems it didn’t have? Sexual ones. He did not insist I really liked what I don’t like. He did not insist that something I didn’t like be left on the table until he could wheedle me into saying I liked it. He did not insist I would magically have multiple orgasms from the acts that were most convenient and pleasurable for him. He did not say “if you really loved me,” not once–probably because I never loved him and never said I did.

      That’s when I found out I can have a pretty decent relationship with a man as long as I don’t love him. That’s also when I gave up on men. I can’t trust myself to love them and have a spine too, and if I don’t love them, what’s the point? Having a man is not a price I’m willing to pay now that I’m old enough to know I can make my own oxytocin at home and save myself the agony.

      • smash says:

        Snarkurchin, the first guy you mention sounds just like every other gaslighting pornsick bastard on the planet. They are so predictable– it’s really cliché. They call us prudes, when they’re really the pervs.

        When we love them, it is exceptionally painful. I’m sorry to hear you had such a hurtful experience.

        • Snarkurchin says:

          Thanks, smash. I don’t think I had a particularly hurtful experience as these things go, though–just the average kind. I’m only sorry I didn’t wise up sooner.

          FWIW, Mr. Unicorn was a gigantic sexist, too, just not (so much) in the bedroom. I’m menopausal now, and I live with my mother rather than put up with men’s foofooraw.

          Being a straight woman sucks. It truly does. It’s like signing a bargain with Satan the day you were born, years before you have clue who Satan even is.

          Lest this kind of talk get me branded as a man hating yadda-yadda (which I am), the person who taught me I am a person and that I should avoid anyone who thinks otherwise was my dad.

          Love is the force that made us all and that keeps us all alive. The patriarchy has proven that such a force can be rendered toxic, and that sucks.

          • tiamathydra says:

            They call us prudes for not wanting what they don’t want for themselves either – they don’t want things stuck up their asses, but we have to be ok with things stuck up ours (for example). It’s as if we started demanding practices that required disgusting, uncomfortable or painful experiences specifically for their bodies, not for ours, and called them ”prudes” if they refused. Just imagine demanding that men gave us oral sex on our periods and if they refused we’d call them prudes. They want sadistic sex because it’s formulated and orchestrated (by porn) in a way that’s violent only for our bodies; when they say ‘rough’ they don’t mean rough for them, they mean rough *for us* and only for us. Of course they enjoy it, it’s structured in a way that is soft and gentle for them!!!! fucking idiots. Sure by ‘rough sex’ they don’t mean women biting their cocks or sticking anything up their asses or in their throats. Obviously!!

            An ex-nigel of mine was a pornsick bastard who tried to groom me into watching and practising porn-sex but I would always refuse. He gave up on most demands, but would pretend to rape me because intercourse that seemed consensual didn’t please him. I agreed to the rape-pretend for a while because I thought it was the lesser evil, ‘then at least he will have a blast and won’t ask for anything worse’. Until one day we had an argument and he pretended that I was ‘enacting my victim role’ and fucked me anyway, when actually I was really mad at him and didn’t want to screw. So I guess he raped me (I have only realized this recently), and I learnt I should never opt for the lesser evil again because men are always going to screw you up no matter what, so at least you’ll rest in peace when you die knowing that you resisted. Setting ‘boundaries’ is a way of defending oneself and if someone really loves you, you shouldn’t be defending yourself, so ‘boundaries’ wouldn’t be necessary because he wouldn’t have the need to push them; when someone wants to hurt you, boundaries are useless; that stupid safeword didn’t do anything for me. And some friends we had in common know this happened (I don’t know how they know, I never told anyone, so maybe he said it himself being sure I wouldn’t report it), yet nobody has ever named it in front of me, but I once heard one of them telling a good male friend of mine, and my friend seemed worried, but the other guy said ”…and he did NOT rape her but almost, you know, it’s complicated, they had an argument and she was angry, he wanted to screw but she refused and he thought she was playing a rape-game they used to play so he fucked her”. He ”did NOT rape her but almost”? He ”thought” she was role-playing? MY ASS. Men know what they do. He just wanted to rape a girl and so he did. What bothers me most is that I had recently quit taking the pill and he knew it, and he didn’t bother to use a little fucking condom that time, so I had to go for the morning after pill. I didn’t consider that to be important back then since as all fembots I didn’t take reproductive risks seriously, but it makes me insane now. And the fact that the ‘nicest’ thing that has happened to me under porn-culture is rape (ALMOST rape as they said? that’s what I thought for a long time – not anymore though), makes me wonder what do more vulnerable girls and women go through. I was always stubborn to death and good at verbal acrobatics so I’ve always been hard to manipulate into enacting porn, I’ve always said NO, fuck off. But I couldn’t stop my ex bf from rape-roleplaying and finally overtly raping me. So I writhe in pain to think about what other girls and women go through, honestly.

            • smash says:

              tiamathydra, what you say in the first part of your comment is so true. Thank you for putting it so eloquently.

              I’m very sorry to hear about your awful experience about your ex. I can see how he and his friends used gaslighting techniques to keep you from realizing the truth. In retrospect, these things are clear, but in the moment, it can be hard to see the truth through the fog.

              • tiamathydra says:

                Thank you. Yes, his friends helped keep me alienated. Only the friend to whom I heard one of them telling it was worried about me and asked me if something bad had happened and if he could help in any way, I didn’t tell him because I thought nothing bad had happened and he told me ”dump that bastard”. We’re still friends and he’s a dude but he’s gay so I know he at least is not sexually entitled to women.
                The worst is, I didn’t leave him when he did that, we kept together for several months. I self-convinced that I was wrong and I made excuses for him in my mind all the time; I finally decided that he really believed I was in the mood for roleplaying and he really thought I was acting. Indeed, a slightly BDSM-y relationship (not wanted by me, the BDSM aspect, but anyways) and my allegedly almighty ‘bottom’ role ended turning against me, and somehow I’m glad for that. I dumped him because we’d been having fights for a while and one day he kicked my cat in a very nasty way. I’m not saying I shouldn’t have worried about that, but him kicking my cat made me totally angry and made him seem totally unacceptable from that moment, while I had been all that time putting up with the memory of him raping me because I thought it didn’t matter (and tolerating his misogyny, his porn use etc.)
                We become incredibly delusional and self-hating under patriarchy.

                • Oh, NO HE DIDN’T. I just read the he kicked your cat. I gasped. NUH UH. OUT the fuckin’ DOOR. And, yeah, “rough sex”. They sure like to dish it, but they can’t take it. Scumbags.

                  • Sabrina L. says:

                    Isn’t it amazing how we’re more emotional about our pets than our own bodily integrity? I know I’d rather be raped (again) than anything happen to my dog. Hell, from rape I can apparently dissociate, but it would break my heart if my pooch was in pain or harmed. I surprise myself at just how little I seem to value myself.

                    • This makes me cry… :C

                    • tiamathydra says:

                      Yes, it seems like we put everyone and everything before ourselves. I couldn’t go to the end of my thoughts to realize I had been raped, but when he kicked my cat I instantly recognized the violence and didn’t make excuses for it like I did with the rape. We are trained to be silent about our reality even to ourselves from day one, that’s the truth.

                  • Raping her was *much worse* than him kicking her poor cat! And I love cats!

            • *Every single * man who watches and loves pornography and even more the many who pressure or force women to do the sexist,dehumanizing,and or violent acts done to women in it,should be gang raped and f*cked really hard in *their* sh*tholes,and throats by men with huge penises,called hateful dehumanizing names(although there is no = to the typical sexist woman-hating names women are called in pornography such as cum eating sluts,whores and b*tches)but they can call them something subhuman like pigs and monsters with penises)and then ejaculate all over their faces,chest and in their mouths,and see how *they* like it!

              It’s said that getting our periods is a curse,the fact that we need men for sexual reproduction is the real curse! Why couldn’t women just be like those minority of plants and insects that can reproduce non-sexually and we could just give birth to girls?! That would be a true feminist utopia!

  2. The thing is I don’t understand why women don’t just say no to these men. I refuse space in my life for porn users whether they are potential partners or potential friends. I make it clear from the off that porn is a deal breaker for me.

    • smash says:

      How has that been working for you, throughthetrees? Do you still have males in your life?

      • yeah I do, I have a male partner and one male friend

        • smash says:

          Good 🙂 That is refreshing to hear.

          I have a male partner who doesn’t use, also I have my brother and my dad who don’t (of course, I’m taking their word for it- who knows the truth of it).

          • Jo says:

            I, too, am acquainted with (and partnered with) a unicorn.

            I’ve dated plenty of the pornsick, though. Had the Anal Wars myself with one particular partner, who just thought it was FINE to continue talking about “taking my virginity ‘there'” (WTF??) and such. After I’d said NO THAT IS OUT OF THE QUESTION. You know. Because that’s “sexy talk” not threatening someone with rape.

            My child is male, and damn if I’m not worried most for the day he gets exposed to pr0n. I reeeeeally hope his reaction is like his dad’s was — “you couldn’t tell if the women were having fun or were in pain… it just didn’t do anything for me.”

            Or, you know, “WTF SMASH PATRIARCHY!!” That’d be a good reaction, too.

    • Snarkurchin says:

      Really? You ask *potential* male *friends* (let alone partners) whether or not they watch porn before you agree to interact with them in any way? As in, “Oh, hi. I don’t know your name yet, but I see you have a penis. Now, before we actually converse, tell me: do you watch the pr0n ever at all?” And the good ones say “Oh no, not me” and really mean it and really keep treating you like a human being because you said the magic words no other woman has ever discovered? Shee-yit.

      Asking the average straight man of 2012 whether or not he watches porn is like asking him whether or not he jacks off. The average man of 2012 literally cannot distinguish between perfectly healthy masturbation and using images of tortured women to get his precious spoodgy woodgy on, because who cares who that hurts as long as no man gets hurt?

      The thing I don’t understand is how you can skip right over centuries of history without so much as a fuck-ye-do to women who don’t have the privilege you claim for all of us. Truly: hands up, how many of us can get along in the current economy without a man?

      • I can’t, since I Iost my job. My male boss fucked me over, since I wouldn’t “know my place”. Now I live with a man. I’m like a pet, or Woman as Useful Object. Even though I’m technically his “room-mate”. I believe that men work together to ensure that women can’t survive without them and their money. It’s even subconscious for them, too, like an undercurrent of woman-disenfranchising that runs through every damn thing.

        • Snarkurchin says:

          I believe they do too, consciously or not (and what difference does that make anyway?). I have a master’s degree in a female-dominated (i.e., low-paying) field, but have not been able to get full-time work, let alone benefits, in many, many years now. If I couldn’t live with my mom, I don’t know what would become of me, especially now that I’m too old to be a Useful Object to most men.

    • Me, too. Porn user? WE can NOT be friends. Nope. Not ever. FUCK OFF, DUDE. So, I am kind of lonely… I’m seeking out female friends. Hellooooooo…

  3. Hecuba says:

    Oh no ‘poor men’ they can’t obtain sexual gratification no matter how many times they pummel/subject a woman’s body to sadistic male sexual violence. No doubt Big Pharma will create a new viagra type pill which will ensure men will once again be able to orgasm/ejaculate on demand because male sexual gratification/sexual pleasure is reason why women exist!

    No need to consider women’s right to refuse phallocentric heterosex because as always ‘sex’ is about men’s sexual gratification and pleasure. I’ve no doubt women and particularly radical feminists will be blamed for causing men to suffer from lack of male sexual gratification/ejaculation/orgasm on demand.

    Or perhaps these men should just purchase a robot which looks like a female and then they can indulge themselves in self-stimulation without the necessity of having to sexually exploit/sexually degrade real women.

    • smash says:

      Good point, Hecuba. Many in the anti-porn movement focus on how porn harms *men*– once again framing the discussion in male terms.

      • Sabrina L. says:

        That’s how my extremely empathetic and sensitive therapist could best relate to my concerns about porn, my concerns concerning the rape narratives that are paired with orgasmic conditioning and the real harm to the women you see on the screen. He agreed porn is bad…because of it’s addictive nature and how the user’s (man’s) intimate relationships suffer.

      • Jo says:

        THIS. Because it’s obviously not good enough to want to stop porn because Rectal Prolapse Is Not A Fun Thing or Women Are Human Beings Full Stop.

  4. Missfit says:

    Yes, we hear that: ‘all men watch porn’. As if it was trivial. As if it was something to be proud of. What I hear is ‘yes, we men stand in solidarity with each other in our hatred against women’.
    Men find it perfectly acceptable to watch porn but get offended when they feel that a man as been portrayed like an idiot in some ad or sitcom. wtf. Men scream misandry if someone dares to say that every man is a potential rapist. There was a time when I thought such a statement was exaggerated; then I saw porn.
    There was a time when I thought that men and women were progressing toghether towards ‘equality’, overall (with a few exceptions).Then I saw porn. Thanks for the backlash, at least it is clear. Knowing that nearly all men enjoy viewing women being used/abused/tortured made me lose any respect and compassion I once was able to have towards men. Women should stay away from men, give up on them, turn their back. Seriously.

  5. MarySunshine says:

    If you say no to porn-users, then you’re saying no to men, period. Very, very few women have the option of saying no to men in terms of maintaining any sort of livelihood. I’ve never heard of any rich women (who presumably don’t need male contact to maintain their necessities of life) who have said no to men.

    And then, even trying to maintain any social (not even economic) context without acting chummy to at least a *few* men is likewise impossible. Families. 😦 Yuck! Friends? all the women we meet will have male friends, partners, kids or etc that we will have to mix with.

    It will be interesting to see how this will develop. Males are making themselves and each other more and more intolerable every day.

    • smash says:

      Mary is right about that. There do exist some men who don’t use porn, and even fewer who have a porn critical viewpoint (ex Robert Jensen). But the majority of men use it, and it is very difficult to have a men-free life (not impossible, obviously).

      Folks in my life know I’m anti porn/prostitution, but they steer well clear of the topics in conversation. When I post links on my “real” FB account that are porn/prostitution critical, I for the most part get crickets in response.

      Even googling to research for this article, there was a fascinating blindness to the oppressive nature of porn.

      This article in particular, http://www.itsnotthatweird.com/2011/07/wait-a-second-am-i-a-john/ where a man reads Melissa Farley’s study (the Newsweek one from last year) and confronts the question “am I a john because I watch porn”.

      It is amazing how much privilege he has in that he was so blind to begin with that he hadn’t even considered that he might be a john. So it was good to see a man question that. However, the article reads as one justification after another for why porn use is okay. After all, he says, women in porn aren’t murdered at as high a rate as women in prostitution, so that makes it more okay.

      Seriously. This is how much men love their porn. Disgusting bastards.

    • “If you say no to porn-users, then you’re saying no to men, period”

      This isn’t entirely true. My partner does not use porn and I know at least one other man that doesn’t.

      Just because there are men in the world and your female friends have male partners doesn’t mean you have to give any energy to those male partners unless you choose to. I don’t have to spend time with men I don’t like or respect just because one of my friends is in a relationship with them.

      And yes women often have to work with men but that doesn’t mean they have to be friends with them.

    • Straight up. The d00d I live with does not use porn, and I know it for a fact. That makes him tolerable, maybe, I guess. He is a smug-ass, privileged, emotionally-retarded shit head. But, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to get some work and get the fuck up outta here. I wish I could take off and travel the world… for the rest of my life.

  6. How about saying yes to porn users, since that is pretty much all men, even the ones who say they don’t, and re-educating them? If your friend was to say ‘no’ to those requests and then, ‘this is what I like,’ and also, ‘maybe you might like these other far more satisfying sensual things,’ he could be enlightened. Just a thought. Obv, won’t be a popular view here, but its a thought.

    • smash says:

      Emma, this presumes that men are open to being negotiated with, and actually care what women want. I expect in the case of my friend, were she to set boundaries, or institute guidelines, he would only push harder. That is of course because her b/f is a pornsick bastard.

      If women could convince men to stop abusing us, we would have had our revolution a long time ago.

      • Oh, I wish she’d DUMP his nasty ass with a quickness! How I wish.

      • em_one@hotmail.co.uk says:

        It’s easier then you think. It can happen quite naturally as part of the act of physical intimacy. I know. I’ve been there. I’m not the only one. Men can be happily surprised that there is more going on in their bodies then a need to ejaculate, that pleasure can actually be pleasurable. Once you’re in that situation you tell them what you want, not in a ‘I’m putting my foot down way,’ but in a gentle, ‘here’s how’ kind of way. Treat them as you would want to be treated. If they don’t want that, genuine physical intimacy, as opposed to re-enactment of porn, then you walk away. We have the power, not all the time, but choose your sex partners carefully, get a man who does care about you, and he will want nothing else but to ensure you have a good time with him, and will be open to you ‘reconditioning’ him. If he is not a caring man, why choose him in the first place? If he’s not open to real life sexual exploration with another human being, what does he think he’s doing? I have discovered some very interesting things about myself, and about my partners through mutuality. Who wouldn’t want that? Can I just ask though, smash, are you in Britain, US, Auz? Just out of interest.

          • I just wondered, because from the UK it looks like the US has a much more overtly masculine culture. Some of the men here still have some ideas about chivalry and though that’s terribly old fashioned it also has its useful side. Maybe a little sexual repression on their part makes some of them a little easier to actually communicate with about such things. l’m just having thoughts, but it really does look super macho from over here. And we in the UK have a long way to go, don’t get me wrong, to redress the balance. But in terms of any feminist agenda I think I’d rather be here.

            • tiamathydra says:

              I’m in Spain and I also get the impression that the US has terribly misogynistic culture, porn is way more widespread in the US (here men over 40 here don’t really consume porn, there’s never been such a porn-culture, until now), the stripclub culture etc. didn’t really exist here until now (of course, prostitution and male entitlement to sex did exist, but that’s everywhere). But I also have to say that due to globalization, the terrible chauvinism of American men is influencing men of all countries… in the younger generations of adults and teenagers here, the number of pornsick bastards increases, when men didn’t use to be that horrible here, so all men are becoming unified in their hatred of women because of globalization and Americanization and young women in places that are not the US, are increasingly being treated as American women are treated. So we’re all in the same boat now, more than ever.

              • smash says:

                I couldn’t say for sure, as I don’t have a basis for comparison. However, from what I have seen of my world it is teeming with pornsick bastards.

            • Can I come and live with you? Pleeeease? I want to be an ex-pat. lol

            • What? England is known for socializing boys and men even more harshly in repressing emotions than the US! And it’s a woman-hating *world* we sadly insanely all live in!

    • I don’t have enough energy to reeducate men though. If men want relationships with women they should treat them all like human beings. It’s a concept they can grasp without being re-educated if they really wanted to

      • yes exactly. I spent so much time and energy educating and helping my current male partner along (most of this process was undertaken before I discovered radical feminist theory, else I likely would have left instead of doing it). Right now, I’m reaping those rewards, because he actually is probably just about as pro-feminist as a man can be and I would say our relationship is quite healthy. But, I would also say that I will never, EVER undertake such an effort again. What a waste of my precious time and resources!! It took YEARS of blood, sweat, and tears to bring ONE man around, and he already had a tendency toward feminism to begin with. I will never waste my time like that again and will never recommend any other woman to do so. I don’t have plans to end this relationship anytime in the forseeable future, but when it does end, I will never be with a man again, that’s for damn sure.

    • It’s not my job to “educate” men who abuse women by using porn. I’m 37 years old and NO MAN has EVER listened to a damn thing I’ve said to them about any womens’ issue (or anything else, for that matter). I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried yelling, ultimatums in which I remove them from my life, I’ve tried posting links and stats and PROOF of the harms that women experience. NONE OF IT HAS WORKED. So, FUCK THAT.

      • em_one@hotmail.co.uk says:

        I’m 35, and maybe lucky that my dad claimed to be a feminist. Though he’s a liberal. the reason I’m feeling soft on the ‘pornsick bastards’ is that 50 Shades of Grey has just sold to soooo many readers, most of them women. That got me thinking, why? Why do women like this stuff? Aren’t we sending out a bad message? That got me thinking about what it is that stimulates our sexual responses, and a bout how we are conditioned. I searched, I found THIS place and some other Radfem blogs. I found that paper that was posted here on Porn and Freedom. And I thought about all my experiences in relation to all of this. I could see how men are conditioned too. I know I’m someone who has submitted to that conditioning in the past, and that I’m someone who has challenged it also and had genuine mutual relations. I have a big responsibility now. I have a son to raise. My friend also has a young son. We want them to be the future, we want them not to end up pornsick, and my daughter not to end up getting screwed over. I have to believe that there is a way. It is NOT your job to educate men, believe me, I KNOW that feeling of having had enough, because they’re infuriating. But we, we could re-educate men. I have to believe its possible. As a society, through sex education in schools, through new parents of the new generation growing up. And, if I had the money I’d shoot a sex film, package it as porn, make it free to download, plant it in gents loos in pubs. Just as things were heating up between the couple they’d launch into a dialogue about how damaging porn is. I’d use the porn actors featured on Louis Theroux documentary. The ‘actors’, who said porn had ruined their lives. They’d do an alternative movie because they know very directly the damage and are able to articulate it. Oh if I had the money. I’d hit the main media with all sorts of campaigns. The revolution would be televised at prime-time, on every channel I’d attack the beauty industry for ripping us off, and the manufacturers of cleaning products for aiming it all at us and replace those adds with adds for men on how to, clean properly, what we really think of their macho ego centric show off behaviours etc. It would Rock.

        • Dan Kleinman says:

          “50 Shades of Grey has just sold to soooo many readers, most of them women. That got me thinking, why? Why do women like this stuff? Aren’t we sending out a bad message?”

          Now you have *me* thinking. The National Coalition Against Censorship and the American Library Association, among others, are now, as a result of 50 Shades of Grey, openly promoting porn in public libraries. Are communities supposed to do nothing about this and just allow in the porn despite all previous reasons/laws for leaving it out? What are the implications of major organizations, one with a huge impact in public schools, now openly promoting pornography?

          Go see:
          “NCAC Pushes Porn on Libraries; Fifty Shades of Grey Propaganda: Brevard Buckles, Harford Holds”
          http://safelibraries.blogspot.com/2012/06/ncac-pushes-porn-on-libraries-fifty.html

          • tiamathydra says:

            The other day I was in a women’s clothing store and they had 50 Shades of Grey in each table where the cash registers were so that women and girls would see it and be interested in it when they bought something. They’re promoting it everywhere, apparently, and maybe they have an agenda of furthering women’s consumption of porn with this.
            Also, yesterday I was with a female friend (not a feminist) who was reading Cosmopolitan and it also had an article about 50 Shades of Grey, asking which chapter do you enjoy the most or which character do you like most or whatever else bullshit. It’s never asked ‘do you like the book?’ or ‘how do you feel about it?’, the assumption is that if you are a woman or a girl you will like it (because it represents our true sexual nature).

            • smash says:

              It’s completely awful. As you say, “They’re promoting it everywhere, apparently, and maybe they have an agenda of furthering women’s consumption of porn with this.”

              You all have probably seen my post on this topic:

              http://liberationcollective.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/on-50-shades-of-grey-and-the-erotization-of-male-domination/

              • Dan Kleinman says:

                Smash, did you put that link on the Stop Porn Culture FB page? If not, please do. I may add a link to that to my own post on the matter. Thumbs up.

              • I have a blog,and the name as you can see is,50shadesofharm. I have found tons more excellent feminist(including a few men, some are bad reviews from Amazon.com where men(many women Amazon.com reviewers said these things too) recognize what a violent abusive woman-hater Christian Grey is and how Ana is portrayed as an unimportant submissive insecure masochist who learns to like the sadistic sexual torture to please him who she incomprehensibly loves! others reviews said that Ana is portrayed as being tortured and liking it and this is a really dangerous message to send to men and women but especially to men,and they said they are afraid it’s going to be an instruction manual for men to do violence against women,and end up in the hands of angry men,and others said could this be why we have so many sexual violent predators out there today) strong condemning and critical analysis of these extremely horrible sexualized,normalized sexist,sick,woman-hating,male violence against women,dangerous horrendous Fifty Shades Of Grey books,since I started the blog,but I haven’t posted them on there yet. I would love to post them on here in this topic,but I have so much you might feel it’s too much at once and it’s almost like spamming which I’m not trying to do. If you are interested in my information,then please let me know. And your article,50 Shades Of Grey And The Erotization Of Male Dominance is great and I passed it on to other anti-pornography anti-violence feminist educators.

                I have even found post by women whose abusive husbands and boyfriends bought this horrible book and it influenced their abuse towards them further! And what is even more horrifying is ABC news reported last summer and it’s still on their site,that Fifty Shades is causing a new baby boom,how wonderful to know that babies are being made out of a sadistic violent woman-hating book! And on ehow this extremely disturbing information,
                http://www.ehow.com/feature_12257921_should-name-baby.html

                What Should You Name Your Baby?
                Studies show names have lifelong impact
                Help Picking Names for Parents-to-Be
                Parents can shout a name as though they were calling their child in for dinner to see if it sounds right, says Janet Ozzard, executive editor of Babycenter.com. She also suggests how you’ll explain the family genesis of the name.

                After the popularity of the erotica book “50 Shades of Grey,” for example, Ozzard says there was a rise in children named Ana and Christian, characters in the book, and even the name Grey itself. That’s sure to be an interesting conversation one day.

                Other considerations should include nickname potential — both wanted and unsolicited — what words can rhyme with your child’s name, how a given name sounds with your surname, spelling and how the name will sound when said along with the names of siblings.

                Read more: What Should You Name Your Baby? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/feature_12257921_should-name-baby.html#ixzz2NL7sOyWj

                And this from the great important British blog called,50 Shades Is Domestic Abuse,

                Please Click On This Link http://50shadesisdomesticabuse.webs.com/apps/photos/album?albumid=13862843
                From The Great Important British Site,50 Shades Is Domestic Abuse and see these totally disturbing and as the site says,Horrifying Products Based On Fifty Shades! There are pictures of Tee Shirts Baby Onesies that say, I Pretend That Christian Grey Is My Daddy and there is an image of two handcuffs! Another one for babies says,All Mommy Wanted Was A Night With Mr.Grey! Another says,9 Months Ago Mommy Read Fifty Shades Of Grey! Another baby shirt says,I’m A Fifty Shades Baby!
                There are shirts ,rings and key chains for women that say things like,I Cry Because Christian Grey Is Fictional and it has a chain with a metal heart shaped pendant! Another is a Woman wearing a tank top that says in big letters,I SLEPT WITH CHRISTIAN GREY! A ring that says Mrs. Christian Grey with a pink image of a heart,there is a man’s Tee shirt that says,LET ME BE YOUR CHRISTIAN GREY and there are also two handcuffs! A key chain that has an image of a red heart and it says,I (with the heart) Christian Grey.And a picture of a young woman(you just see her top like in the other images) wearing a sweatshirt that says,PROPERTY OF CHRISTIAN GREY EST.2012 SEATTLE WASHINGTON which is the city and state that the story is supposed to take place in!

                • Smash, can you please let me know if it’s OK for me to post a lot of the important information I have on how dangerous and harmful Fifty Shades Of Grey really is?

                  • In one of the many Amazon.com reviews ,one of the reviewers said that in her first” spanking” Christian hits Ana 18 times in her own room and she’s crying. Another reviewer said that he hits her so hars that he left marks on her body,but she lies to her friend and says she fell down the stairs,and the reviewer says in (Red Flag!). Another reviewer on Amazon.com UK who reviewed all 3 books,in this review of the last book,Fifty Shades Of Freed,she says that Christian hits her when she’s pregnant and she says that this author has a lot to answer for and that her mind is a dark place and she never should have spewed it’s contents with the world.She also said that she hopes she never writes another book,and that she needs help.Several other reviewers said that he rapes her too. I read quotes from the book of Ana saying she’s a virgin,(another amazon.com reviewer who is a writer herself says that every time they had sex it was like Ana is being raped,and she too mentions him slamming into her as a virgin,and said she wanted to slap him)and that he says to her I’m going to f*ck you hard,(of course just like in the porn videos and Christian has a huge penis too just like in the porn videos,which makes it even more painful and violent,and women in porn videos are portrayed as loving it too!) and she says he slams into her and rips out her virginity and she feels a pinching pain! And another amazon.com reviewer said that every sex scene begins with Ana saying he slams into me.

                    How cruel and sadistic! I guess Marlo Thomas who always claimed to be a feminist and has been friends with the great Gloria Steinem since the early 1970’s(she is insanely a big fan of Fifty Shades and interviewed the sexist woman-hating pornography influenced author,E.L.James on her Huffington Post blog in November,I posted a lot of information against it on the harms and so did Anti-Pornography.org) didn’t care,notice,or insanely liked this! And this is insane woman-hatred,cruelity,violence towards women,sexualized,normalized,glamorized,and eroticized,is what the author insanely outrageously said is bringing women and families together!?

                    • I recently read Gloria Steinem’s great important quotes on the great informative AntiPornography.org’s Gloria page about how pornography sexualizes,eroticizes,and normalizes men’s domination,women’s submission,and men’s violence and teaches that this is what sex is,and no other equal alternatives. And how she said we have to eroticize equality. And also what she says about sadomasochism being in society’s where is a lot of child abuse,and also that the confusion of sex with violence is most obvious in any form of sadomasochism. I have her best selling great book since it came out in the Fall of 1983,Outrageous Acts And Everyday Rebellions and so I had a lot of her quotes from there,but I see she revised some of them in her 1995 addition and added to it.What I don’t understand at all,is why hasn’t she spoken out against Fifty Shades Of Grey for normalizing and sexualizing the same *exact* harmful injustices? Even one of the many women on Amazon.com who gave the book a bad review and said on every level,artistically,politically and psychologically the book is misogynistic junk and she said Gloria Steinem speak out against this crap book PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                      Here is quotes by Gloria on the excellent *feminist* anti-pornography educational activist site,Anti-Pornography.org and they have a section on Fifty Shades Of Grey Harm and how it normalizes,sexualizes and glamorizes sexual,physical,and emotional abuse and is a for of domestic violence against women and the harms of S&M.Gloria said in 2006,”Pornography is a marketing device for sex trafficking:it normalizes degradation and violence as acceptable and even invitable parts of sex,and uses the bodies of real women and children as objects.The difference between pornography and erotica is clear in the roots of the words themselves-porne means female slaves,eros means love-so pornography like rape is about violence and domination not sex. Millions of lives depend on our ability to separate pornography from erotica and to disentangle violence from sexuality.” This is everything this horrible Fifty Shades of Sexist,Violent,Dangerous,Damaging,Woman-Hating sexualizes,normalizes and eroticizes!

                • If someone wants to jump off a bridge and kill themselves it’s OK because they consented to it right? And if this was a novel (meaning the horrendous Fifty Shades of Grey) about a Black person who “willingly” “consents” to being sexually dominated and brutalized by a White man or a Jewish person for a Nazi,I’m sure that the media wouldn’t have promoted it this way,and it wouldn’t have been so popular with Blacks and Jews,there would be more outrage and not just by the Blacks and the Jews.And if was a novel about a woman sexually dominating and brutalizing a man,(not that this is healthy or right either)the media wouldn’t have promoted it as normal and good,and it wouldn’t be so popular with women either.

                  Sadly women largely because of typical visual pornography that has been unjustly mainstreamed for decades,and even more since it was unjustly put on the internet,which sexualizes,normalizes,and eroticizes male domination and female submission which is the epitome of sexist gender inequality,and men’s irrational common hatred of women,and men’s cruelity and violence just like this novel does,now believe this is what is “erotic” and “sexy” and women are still conditioned to identify as the passive submissive objects and victims for men.

                  • I have a post printed out since 2003,but I’m not sure when it was written,it’s called in a Smut Rut Why Does Pornography Harm Women?And one of the many things she says is porn also harms women because it causes men to unkowingly view women as less than human,as less than themselves;as objects or animals.She then says,it teaches them not only to be dominators,but also misogynists-meaning they believe women are not their equal but their pets,their servants.Then she says,if men believe women are less than human,it is logical to believe that viewing pornography leads to violence against women,as statistics have shown.If women are viewed in reality as the objects that they are in porn;to be used,abused,and tossed aside at will,than the logical result will be spousal(or partner)abuse.She mentions Ted Bundy and his addiction to hardcore pornography and she said that the violent acts in the pornography were eventually not real enough for him and he eventually killed and mutilated women in reality.

                    She then says,under the heading For Women,An upsetting trend now is the fact the women are increasingly not only accepting of porn,but are becoming viewers of porn,even though it’s an industry that is so injurious and contemtous of them.What started out as a trend of women who viewed pornography with their partners reluctantly has become a culture of women who embrace it as being “feminist” or “liberating”.She then says,that some would argue that porn can be “feminist” in nature,but I believe it is all a crude adoption of the same belittling,objectifying lack of ethics that hurts women in other types pornography.She says the porn I speak of that is rationalized to be “feminist” is that in which the female is the dominatrix,or master and abuser. In Fifty Shades Of Sick,Violent,Sexist, Damaging,Woman-Hating, the woman is not the dominatrix and abuser,but in the old role that women have been in for 1,000’s of years,dominated,subordinated,submissive,to men and abused by men! Then she says,it is not feminist to objectify men or treat them as animals,simply because they have done so to us.It is only stooping to their level,adopting the values that we are trying to react *against*.She says,being a feminist does not mean belittling the other sex-that would only be revenge. A true feminist respects both sexes and would treat the “opposite” sex as they would want to be treated.Then she says that women are the population most hurt by all types of pornography,and should be the first to refuse to look at,watch or accept it.

                • .Here Are Pictures Of Posters in Preston shops By This Site Warning People Of The Normalisation Of Abuse in 50 Shades Books
                  http://50shadesisdomesticabuse.webs.com/apps/photos/album?albumid=13838565
                  http://50shadesisdomesticabuse.webs.com/apps/photos/album?albumid=13862843

              • This Is another *excellent feminist* strong criticism and analysis! I keep trying to post the whole blog discussion but I can’t with this on here.

                http://cswinchester.blogspot.com/2012/04/trouble-with-50-shades-of-grey.html
                The Trouble With 50 Shades Of Grey

                • http://madamjmo.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/fifty-shades-of-subtlety.html

                  MadamJ-Mo
                  Pop culture, feminism and suffragettes

                  Wednesday, 8 August 2012
                  Fifty Shades of Subtlety

                  PS – I’ve deliberately avoided mentioning the many reasons why this book is a feminist’s worst literary nightmare. The contracted ownership, coupled with the stalking, mental and physical abuse, and more… it’s appalling to see the mainstream acceptance of such behaviour in 2012, at a time when we should be further ahead than ever in putting an end to this degrading treatment of women. But there are many other people, far better qualified than me to speak on such matters, who have already written about this so well in relation to these books.

                  Posted by Jane at Wednesday, August 08, 2012
                  Email This Blog This! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

                  Labels:book,feminism,Sexism
                  1 comment:

                  tenderhooligan9 August 2012 20:09
                  OH. MY. DAYS. I’ve flicked through it, and read a few paragraphs here and there, and that was enough for me. Your description above confirms that I make the right decision in putting that one back!

                  About me

                  Jane
                  I’m a Bristol-based author, editor and feminist activist. I’m also available for freelance proofreading etc work – arketino.blogspot.co.uk If you would

                  • Twitter
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                    • From the great important *feminist* site on pornography’s many sexist,violent,dehumanizing,woman-hasting harms, Anti-Pornography.org

                      “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Harm-Violence Against Women,Mental,Emotional,and Physical Abuse,Domestic Violence,Sadomasochism etc
                      http://www.antipornography.org/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey_harm.html

                    • slcampbell1975Shauna Campbell 1 Feb

                      50 Shades of Grey = Soccer Mom Porn that promotes Violence and Abuse towards women pic.twitter.com/YJj5hFVT
                      Details

                      slcampbell1975Shauna Campbell 1 Feb

                      50 Shades of Grey = Soccer Mom Porn that promotes Violence and Abuse towards women pic.twitter.com/YJj5hFVT
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                      http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2012/08/30/fifty-shades-of-gunsmoke/

                      Very good discussion on Fifty Shades sexualizing and romantizing men’s violence towards women and how women are socialized to be masochists.

                      Shauna Campbell‏@slcampbell19751 Feb
                      50 Shades of Grey = Soccer Mom Porn that promotes Violence and Abuse towards women pic.twitter.com/YJj5hFVT

                      V

                      Shauna Campbell‏@slcampbell19751 Feb
                      50 Shades of Grey = Soccer Mom Porn that promotes Violence and Abuse towards women pic.twitter.com/YJj5hFVT

                      V

                      Shauna Campbell‏@slcampbell19751 Feb
                      50 Shades of Grey = Soccer Mom Porn that promotes Violence and Abuse towards women pic.twitter.com/YJj5hFVT

                      V

                      slcampbell1975Shauna Campbell 1 Feb

                      50 Shades of Grey = Soccer Mom Porn that promotes Violence and Abuse towards women pic.twitter.com/YJj5hFVT
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                  • I have a lot of bad reviews from Amazon.com by women and some men who recognize and understand the *real* issues about how and why Fifty Shades is so horrible and damaging but I’m not going to post them tonight,it will too much information at once.

                  • For about 15 years I have had Shere Hite’s excellent book,The Hite Report On The Family:Growing Up Under The Patriarchy in which over 1000 girls and women and over 2000 boys and men from countries all over the world,mostly from the US and then Briton, answered question surveys about their experiences growing up in a sexit gender divided,gender stereotyped,woman-hating family and society,and the messages and training they got into “feminine” and “masculine” and she addressed how sadomasochism is about confusing “love” as power and control and aggression and submission and pain and this goes back to childhood spankings and how in sadomasochistic pornography i’ts almost always the woman who experiences pain and domination of her body,and how it’s a statement about the power relationship between men and women,and as she said sometimes an incitement to men to abuse women.

                    She also mentions child abuse expet Alice Miller and a book,Spare The Child by Phillip Grevin about how childhood spankings get eroticized for adults and that sadomasochistic whippings and beatings by adults stems from this.

              • A reviewer Peter Pan on Amazon.com UK of the Fifty Shades Triology:Fifty Shades Of Grey/Fifty Shades Darker/Fifty Shades Freed titled her review,Abusive Tripe and said the book glorifies domestic violence and the women reading this are being brainwashed into believing this is what a loving consensual relationship can be! Shame a woman has written this it does nothing for a woman’s dignity and respect.

                Another Amazon.com UK reviewer Maisie0701 titled her review,Fifty Shades Of Boring Degradation and says,I now regret being seduced by the hype succumbing to temptation and buying this triology.The first page is promising;a hook is provided and the reader is drawn in.But as for the rest…the plot lacks substance and the romance and seduction do little to ameliorate mind numbing,lengthy graphic descriptions,of degrading,coercive sexual practice.It is repetitious,poorly written,self-indulgent bilge which could also produce unforeseen and dangerous consequences. It is not just a bit of fun,mild titillation or an account of playful sex between a mutual consenting couple but an invitation to experiment with salacious sexual practices that demean and denigrate women.

                Another Amazon.com reviewer Margaret S.said Why are people buying into this? Controlling,benign rape,torture,not a romance in any sense of the word. Ana should be calling 911 instead of Mr.Grey.

                Another reviewer RLM said in part of her review,As for Christian Grey what a violent control freak. The book suggests that it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to stalk,coerce,but gifts for a woman so that he can beat her up,so he has the right to get pleasure out of hurting her. Gross. I can’t ever imagine wanting my other half to think like Christian Grey-horrific!

                Another reviewer said in response to another reviewer Faymill who gave it a bad review and she said in part of her review that the author has romanticized what is essentially an emotionally abusive relationship.He tells her what to do,she refuses he loses his temper,sulks or or forces her to do what he wants,she stands up to him for five minutes then apologizes for doing so and does what he wants.Thanks E.L James for setting back the campaign to raise awareness about ALL kinds of domestic abuse about twenty years.

                Another Amazon.com UK reviewer said she couldn’t give it a good review, and said to another reviewer I couldn’t agree with you more! Rather than actually reading this tripe I follow a snark blog about it,and I was giggling quite hard about the awfulness of it until it started getting to the creepy stuff. Y’know when he stalks her after only meeting her once,when he tracks her cell phone,when he orders her about,when he spanks her so hard he leaves marks and then to cover her tracks she lies to her friend ‘Oh I fell down the stairs'(Red Flag!) And this is even before she signs the contract.I had twilight had the market for glorifying misogynistic emotionally abusive cr*p but here comes it’s progeny,just as bad. What’s worse is that there are women who think Christian Grey is the perfect man and actually want to be treated like this.It scares me. Excellent review;if only more readers were this discerning.

            • Dan Kleinman says:

              It’s sad. As a personal choice, well that’s personal. But when you have major organizations, libraries, stores promoting this, then that’s what’s the most sad. And if you take a stand against the tide, like a very few library directors did, that you are roundly and loudly attacked. It happens to me and I spoke with some of the library directors so I know it happens to them.

              Now back to pornsick bastards, how will it ever be possible to stop that if porn has basically become mainstream?

              • Sunderland Echo

                News

                50 Shades of Anger – Sunderland domestic violence charity calls for erotic novel to be burned

                Clare Phillipson is leading a campaign against the Fifty Shades of Grey series of books which she says could encourage abuse.

                Published on Thursday 23 August 2012 09:26

                BIN this “disgusting” book – a campaign against saucy saga Fifty Shades has been launched amid claims it incites violence towards women

                The erotic books, which carry strong sadism and masochism themes, became the fastest-selling paperbacks of all time when they were released earlier this year and have been flying off the shelves ever since.

                But Clare Phillipson, director of the women’s refuge, today called for the trilogy – led by Fifty Shades of Grey – to be binned.

                “It’s absolutely disgusting,” she told the Echo. “It normalises abuse, degrades women and encourages sexual violence.

                “With it being in the media so much many men and women have rushed out to buy it, and many have come to me and told me how distressed they are by what’s written.

                “Passages in it are about women submitting to men, obeying their orders and violence being used in a sexual and erotic manner. It’s disgusting and sends out the wrong message.”

                Clare said the books also send out a confusing message to vulnerable women about how they should behave sexually.

                “I’ve come across people who have been confused by it, people who have been enraged by it and others that are bewildered.

                “Some women come away thinking ‘is this how I should be behaving in the bedroom’ and ‘is there something wrong with me because I’m not’ and that’s not right.

                “It sends out the idea that this kind of Mr Rochester character is a heroic romantic and masculine in his domination.

                “Really he controls the powerless, unworldly girl who must submit to his temper. It is not how a relationship between a man and woman should be.”

                Today, Wearside Women in Need is launching its Fifty Shades of Abuse campaign and is urging anyone who has bought the book to bin it.

                The charity plans on collecting all of the books until November 5, when it will hold a bonfire and burn the books in protest against the content.

                Clare said: “In this day and age, books like this should not be written.

                “They send out the wrong message and are in fact encouraging abuse, sexism and misogyny.”

                A spokeswoman for Random House, which publishes the series, said: “The Fifty Shades trilogy is a work of romantic fiction and the sex scenes in the book are entirely consensual and the woman involved is a willing participant.”

                The books can be dropped off at bins at Wearside Women in Need’s head office in Front Street, Concord.

                What is it?

                FIFTY Shades of Grey is an erotic novel by British author EL James.

                Set largely in Seattle, it is the first instalment in a trilogy that traces the deepening relationship between college graduate Anastasia Steele and a young business magnate, Christian Grey.

                It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism.

                The series, which has been dubbed mummy porn and includes Fifty Shades of Darker and Fifty Shades of Freed, has sold more than 40 million copies worldwide.

                It set the record as the fastest-selling paperback of all time, surpassing JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series.

                Women going wild

                WOMEN have been going wild for porn since the launch of the trashy trilogy.

                Sales of erotic literature and porn magazines rocketed by 130 per cent in July and the number of girls buying sex aids more than doubled.

                Retail bosses claim women are buying the magazines and toys after being inspired by scenes in the raunchy book.

                Sex shop chain Ann Summers sold out of the book six times in two weeks and reported sales of crops and whips rising by 15 per cent, blindfolds by 60 per cent and bondage ties by 35 per cent.

                Quotes from the book:

                MOST of the quotes flagged up by Wearside Women In Need were too explicit to publish. But some of them include:

                •“Lower,” he orders. “Good. Don’t let go. If you do, I’ll spank you. Understand?”

                “Yes, Sir.”

                •And he hits me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg him to stop. But I don’t. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

                •Reaching forward, he trails the tip of the crop from my forehead down the length of my nose, so I can smell the leather, and over my parted panting lips.

                •“Suck,” he commands, his voice soft. My mouth closes over the tip as I obey.

                Related Articles
                ‘If it stops one woman getting beaten up or one woman raped or staying in a relationship with someone who is treating her badly, then it’s worth being ridiculed’ – Sunderland 50 Shades of Grey campaigner

                AS tortuous as the book itself, is the argument embroiling the binning of Fifty Shades of Grey, a campaign unleashed by Clare Phillipson, boss of Wearside Women In Need.

                TV agony aunt backs campaign against 50 Shades of Grey

                DENISE Robertson is backing calls to bin erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey

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                • http://antipornfeminists.wordpress.com/2013/01/26/another-example-of-how-meaningless-consent-culture-is/#comments

                  A poster says that Fifty Shades Of Grey is probably one of the most disgusting,violence-glorifying pieces of “literature” she’s come across since de Sade! This was in response to a news story about a sadistic man into bondage who was inspired by the very horrible dangerous Fifty Shades Of Grey to beat his girlfriend who “consented” to what she thought was “milder” spanking!

                  • Sunsara Taylor’s Blog

                    Monday, July 16, 2012
                    BAsics Bus Tour hits NYC — AND I’m protesting 50 Shades of Grey tonight!

                    I am absolutely thrilled that the BAsics Bus Tour is kicking off officially today here in NYC. This time there are two full 30 foot RV’s and two dozen volunteers from around the country. They are impressive and they are taking out the most liberating and inspiring and practical solution to the problems of the world: all the way communist revolution as re-envisioned by Bob Avakian. Even more specifically, they are promoting BAsics from Bob Avakian and other work of his. I know from the last leg of the Tour, which went down South, as well as from my broader experience in and knowledge of the movement for revolution that this opens up tremendous enthusiasm, hopes, profound questions and contributions from many kinds of people. Stay in touch with the blog: basicsbustour.tumblr.com to stay up to the minute on how this Tour is going.

                    Also, tonight I will be hitting the streets with a small crew of folks from the movement to End Pornography & Patriarchy: The Enslavement and Degradation of Women to protest an event that is celebrating 50 Shades of Grey. It is called, “50 Shades of Seduction” sponsored by Sidebar in Manhattan. They are offering drink specials (50% of Grey-tinis) and a class on S&M. We will be outside passing out fliers and holding signs which read:

                    50 Shades of Grey: Bad for Women, Bad for Sex!

                    As we put it in our announcement for this protest:

                    We’ll be calling on people to reject the view of women and of sex that is promoted in the book, not to imitate and celebrate those views.

                    50 Shades of Grey glamorizes the story of a powerful man hurting a woman who cares for him using riding whips, chains, paddles and violently degrading sex. This is not ‘just fantasy.’ This does harm.

                    Every day millions of women around the world are hurt through the real-world acts of rape, battery, sexual slavery, pornography and sexual abuse. Women should be fighting to end their oppression and degradation, not celebrating it or seeking to get ‘in on’ their own objectification, commodification and degradation.

                    50 Shades of Grey is also bad for sex. More space needs to be opened up for people to imagine and experience the full richness of sex between mutually respectful and equal partners. Instead, this book pushes people to get over their discomfort and wallow in degradation and enslavement.

                    Labels: 50 Shades of Grey, commodification of women, pornography, protest, sex, women

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                    posted by Sunsara Taylor at 2:18 PM

                    1 Comments:
                    Chloe’s Mom said…
                    I hope it was a success! 🙂

                    7/19/12 3:28 PM

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                    About Me

                    Name: Sunsara Taylor
                    Sunsara Taylor is a writer for Revolution Newspaper, a host of WBAI's Equal Time for Freethought, and sits on the Advisory Board of World Can't Wait. She has written on the rise of theocracy, wars and repression in the U.S., led in building resistance to these crimes, and contributed to the movement for revolution to put an end to all this. She takes as her foundation the new synthesis on revolution and communism developed by Bob Avakian. You can find her impressive verbal battles with Bill O'Reilly and various political commentary on things from abortion to religion to cultural relativism by searching “Sunsara Taylor” on youtube.

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                    • http://sunsara.blogspot.com/search/label/sadism
                      Sunsara Taylor’s Blog

                      Thursday, June 21, 2012
                      “50 Shades of Grey”: Bad for Women! Bad for Sex!

                      Discussion…

                      Tuesday, June 26 at Revolution Books in NYC
                      7-9:30 pm
                      146 West 26th Street, NYC
                      hosted by Sunsara Taylor and the project to
                      End Pornography and Patriarchy: The Enslavement & Degradation of Women

                      50 Shades of Grey: Bad for Women! Bad for Sex!
                      50 Shades of Grey portrays a virginal college grad falling for a stunningly wealthy, controlling, powerful and troubled man who insists on totally owning her and getting off while hurting her with riding whips, chains, paddles and violently degrading sex. Despite her tears, deep isolation and confusion she comes to find this fulfilling and enjoyable.

                      Millions of copies of this book have been sold and everyone has been buzzing about what it means that women are attracted to this fantasy.

                      In reality, the attraction to this “fantasy” is not shocking. It’s only different by a matter of degree from the common romance novel or fairy tail that women have been indoctrinated with their whole lives: a young, virginal and insecure woman somehow attracts a man who she “doesn’t deserve.” He is powerful, jealous, moody and controlling. She is frightened, but the more she submits the more she sees abuse is just how he shows his love. Finally, she is made “worthy” because he wants to possess her.

                      The only thing new this time is that she has to sign a contract that refers to her as “The Submissive” and he buys her platinum and diamond jewelry to cover her bruises.

                      This is harmful!

                      It is bad for women – at a time when, under the guise of “post-feminism” women are once again being pushed to embrace the role of “breeder” or “sex object,” this book reinforces and makes appealing the idea that women should be owned and controlled by men.

                      It’s bad for sex – at a time when more space needs to be opened up for people to imagine and experience the full richness of what sex can be between mutually respectful and equal partners, this book pushes people to get over their discomfort and wallow in sex as degradation and enslavement.

                      NOTE: You do not have to have read the book to participate!
                      Labels: 50 Shades of Grey, anti-pornography, bondage, male domination, objectification, patriarchy, sadism, sexuality, women’s liberation

                      More Sharing Services Share Share on facebook Share on myspace Share on google Share on twitter
                      posted by Sunsara Taylor at 4:26 PM

                      1 Comments:
                      Sekji Ani said…
                      Can’t understand why this book is so popular. Your summary of the book sounds like a 2012 version of Justine, and the Story of O.

                      7/31/12 1:22 PM

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                      50 Shades is Domestic Abuse

                      Welcome

                      This website has been set up to campaign against the “50 Shades of Grey” book series. These books have been portrayed as a erotic fiction and have gained total acceptability throughout popular culture. As campaigners, workers, women who have experienced domestic abuse and preventers of violence against women, we stand up to say these books are not erotic fiction, but the full reality of domestic abuse. Putting the series as erotic fiction gives it credibility that it does not deserve. These books portray sexual, emotional, physical and psychological violence and abuse as not only normal, but as something to aspire to. As people committed to the eradication of violence against women we reject the normalising of abuse these books are perpetuating and we call you to join us.

                      Join us in fighting back!

                      You can download a book cover here which you can print and place in the shops where you find them. Please take pictures/videos of books you have covered and post them on twitter and/or facebook and email them to us and we will upload them to our website photo album.

                      We can make a difference and see these books publically becoming unacceptable to read! We can do this! Join us!

                      Create a free website at Webs.com

            • MASS BRAINWASHING. Terrifying. If my library carries this shitty book, I’m gonna complain and annoy them until they don’t. I can be VERY annoying. Just checked. They have it in print, audio, everything. I just now called and left a scathing message, expressing my disgust and outrage. Meanwhile, I asked them to purchase A Door Into Ocean, and they won’t. GODDAMMIT! (RAGE)

              • http://coffeeandprozac.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/50-shades-of-domestic-violence
                50 Shades Of Domestic Violence On Coffee & Prozac blog a social worker Kel also discusses and explains how the Fifty Shades Of Grey normalizes, and romanticizes domestic violence against women by the male character in the books. Two women posted in the comments that their husbands abused them and bought the book for them!

                Her friend Jennifer Armintrout also posts recaps of chapters pointing out the domestic violence in the books.A woman named Christina, said her abusive husband bought her the book because his friend’s wife loved it.She said she forced herself to read it’s awful.She says she was horrified over the scenes when he punished her and over all of the times that he tells her she is his.She said she felt like she wanted to rip the book into a million pieces as soon as she was done.She said it’s been a few days and she’s still upset over it.She said she thinks it needs to have a warning label on it so that women who are victims of DV should think twice before reading it.

                Another woman Jen,said,thanks for writing this.My husband who has been abusive bought me this book. Clearly he thinks that my reading it will inspire some new level of “intimacy”. She says,I have avoided purchasing this book for the very reasons you stated.If I wanted to read about domestic violence I’d read my own life story.I don’t need to see domestic violence worshipped and praised just because it’s in a mainstream novel.

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                  50 Shades is Domestic Abuse
                  Blog Fifty Shades: A Male Perspective
                  Posted by natalie on September 9, 2012 at 7:50 AM comments (0)

                  By Andrew Cowley

                  I first became aware of 50 Shades in the US on a family holiday last Easter. We were in Boston, one of the most literate and creative cities in the States, and there was an article in the Boston Globe about this phenomenon- they called it ‘mummy porn’, and explained that what had started as an e-book had become such a talking point amongst California housewives that the text went to print. Later that day several of the bookshops had displays of all three volumes. I dismissed this as an American trend, but on returning to the UK discovered that it was on sale here and that ELJames was a Brit.

                  Now for any writer, word of mouth recommendation, the ‘Tube Book of the Moment’, and people following a trend is manna from heaven. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, One Day, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, the Millenium Trilogy and of course the Harry Potter series all sold, it could be argued, in the volumes they did because of this particular channel of communication.

                  In my school, leading the English curriculum for many years, I have always struggled to convince some colleagues of the value of reading. I am regularly dismissed as ‘boring’ because I read. In the summer term however Fifty Shades took off and copies were being passed around the staffroom between teachers and support staff, and conversation about the ‘raunchy bits’ dominated lunch and break times. I am no prude, but I found the way in which these were described in conversation bawdy at best, uncomfortable at its worse.

                  An initial thought was ‘at least they’re reading’ even if it was only because everyone else was. We are in a more sexually liberated and egalitarian society than some decades ago, and women are just as entitled to talk about sex as men so often do. However the more that I listened to conversations, it made me realise that these were not just ‘books with some shagging’! I haven’t read them, but have seen enough on blogs, in synopses, and being next to a woman on the plane this summer reading it, where the words ‘he tied me up, and f***ed me hard up the a***’ caught my eye. I am no literary facist either; people need to make their own minds up about what they read.

                  I used to work in the City of London, and a more sexist, mysogenist and repressive atmosphere couldn’t be imagined. Extra-marital affairs seemed not only the norm, but compulsory, strippers brought in for birthdays, and there was always someone who appeared to be the source of hard core, illegal and quite depraved pornography. As a young man, single and I was told ‘not bad looking’ it was assumed that every woman I spoke to I was trying to get into bed. Any notion that I was talking to them as friends or equals was beyond many people. When I moved onto teaching, my true vocation, it was assumed that it was to ‘take advantage’ of the fact that 95% or more of primary teachers are female.

                  So, we can see; deeply held opinions about the role of women from a large section of men in UK society. Which brings us back to Fifty Shades. This site is designed to campaign against domestic abuse encouraged in this book. There is much anecdotal evidence to suggest that behaviours and attitudes amongst women are changing as a result of these books and that some of the things that the female lead allows to be done to her are becoming commonplace. Yes I did write ‘allows to be done to her’; in an era of Germain Greer and Erica Jong I perhaps mistakenly thought that this was a thing of the past. Consider this alongside the evidence that teenagers and even younger children are getting their sexual education from internet pornography, and that threesomes, anal intercourse, and encouraging girls to experiment in faux lesbian sex are regarded by many younger people as acceptable, as too it would seem is the use of violence in sexual conduct, or the use of it if sex is refused. As a father to two pretty daughters, that concerns me, though my wife and I have encouraged them to be tough, independent and to know their own minds.

                  I have a writers blog and have included three parodies of Fifty Shades, as a bit of gentle mocking of the tastes of some of my colleagues. Most of them I am sure are reading it for some light relief, but there are others, I am quite convinced, who would participate in such activity.

                  Domestic violence, sexual violence, rape. Its not rocket science to say it is unacceptable. None are about sex, they are about power. The one time I served on a jury, we convicted a man of rape, of his own sister believe it or not, but that was about power within a family, and not about sex, even though it was a sexual act. He objected to the majority of women, tried to appeal to the feelings of the three of us, not realising we were of similar opinions to each other, probably more strongly held than some of our female jurors.

                  It would be naive to suggest that the sexual revolution has ended abuse of women by men, though it has highlighted it’s existence. Regretably similar attitudes are held by some men in teaching- a former male colleague for example tried it on with parents and teachers, especially if vulnerable- recently separated for example- on one occasion having admitted to bedding a teacher 20 years his senior, announcing that ‘the plumbing is still in full working order’. Gruesome!

                  I have few close male friends, mainly because I don’t associate myself with attitudes like that one so described. I have many close female friends, strong, intelligent and beautiful; my former colleagues and a number of other men couldn’t get that concept, and of the loyalty and fidelity that goes with it.

                  I am not alone in this though. There are plenty of like minded men out there who would not dream for one minute of treating a woman in such an abusive way. The behaviours that Fifty Shades encourages may only be acted out by a minority, but one case will be one too many. I sincerely hope that the legacy of this trilogy is just in the volume of book sales, and not in a case of someone meeting an untimely end as a result of what it seems to make acceptable.

                  Andrew Cowley is a 47 year old father of two teenaged girls, and has been married for nearly 18 years. He is a primary school teacher in South East London and in his spare time is a cook, gardener, film goer and avid reader, as well as a prospective writer.

                  He blogs at: http://supposeshakespearestartedthiswaytoo.blogspot.co.uk/ and you can find him on twitter: @andrew_cowley23

                  Chapter 3
                  Posted by natalie on August 16, 2012 at 12:15 AM comments (0)

                  Page 33: Ana “Christian Grey doesn’t do nice.” (Dominator)

                  Page 37 Ana “I remind myself that Kate has been to the best private schools in Washington…She doesn’t take any crap. I am in awe of her.” (Interesting information about Ana’s lack of belief in herself…

                  Page 37: Ana “His [Christian’s] tone sounds vaguely threatening.” (Bully)

                  Page 38 – 39 Ana tells Christian she can’t go for a coffee with him because she has friends to drop at home. Without consulting her he arranges for her friends to go home a different way, not allowing her the choice to say no to him. (Bully, Headworker, Jailer)

                  Page 39: Ana’s friend Katherine “But I don’t trust him [Christian].”

                  Page 39: Ana’s friend Katherine ““Ana, there’s something about him” Her tone is full of warning. “He’s gorgeous, I agree, but I think he’s dangerous.””

                  Page 40: Christian talking to Ana “How long have you know Katherine Kavanagh?”…”Since our freshman year . She’s a good friend.” “Hmm,” he replies noncommittally. What is he thinking?”” (Jailer, Headworker)

                  Page 42: Ana “Grey is back, startling me.” (Bully)

                  Page 42 Christian and Ana have a conversation in Christian proceeds to ask her if two of the men she knows are her boyfriend, making her feel uncomfortable. (Bully, Jailer, King of the Castle)

                  Page 42: Christian to Ana “You seem nervous around men.” (Headworker, Bully, Liar)

                  Page 42: Ana “I find you intimidating.” Christian “You should find me intimidating.” (Bully, Persuader)

                  Page 42 Christian to Ana “I think you’re very self contained…Except when you blush, of course, which is often.” (Headworker)

                  Page 44: Christian ““I’m used to getting my own way, Anastasia,” he murmurs. “In all things.” (Dominator. Liar, Bully, Persuader)

                  Page 44 Christian “The only people who use my given name are my family and a few close friends. That’s the way I like it.” Ana “He still hasn’t said “Call me Chirstian.” He is a control freak, there’s no other explanation…” (Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 44: Ana “Whoa…he keeps changing direction.” (Headworker)

                  Page 45: Ana “He smirks at me.” (Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 46: Christian begins to push Ana into revealing details of her personal life (this is only the second time he has met her) Christian ““You didn’t want to live with your mom?” he asks. This really is none of his business.”” (Headworker)

                  Page 46: Ana “His eyes cloud with irritation. He doesn’t want to talk about his family or himself.” (Double Standards, Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 47: Ana “”Come,” he commands, and he holds his hand out to me. I take it, bemused…” (Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 47: Ana “I feel like I’ve been interviewed for a job, but I’m not sure what for.” (Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 47: Christian asks Ana ““Do you always wear jeans?” he asks out of the blue…My mind is reeling. What an odd question…” (Jailer, King of the Castle)

                  Page 47: Christian “No, Anastasia. I don’t do the girlfriend thing.” Ana “I think he’s going to follow up with some explanation, some clue to this cryptic statement – but he doesn’t. I have to go. I have to reassemble my thoughts. I have to get away from him. I walk forward, and I trip, stumbling headlong into the road.” (Headworker, Bully, Effects of the Dominator)

                  The Dominator key:

                  The Bully: Uses intimidation, makes us feel scared, uncomfortable and like we are walking on eggshells.

                  The Jailer: Uses isolation, wants to isolate us from friends and family. May control what we wear, eat or do.

                  The Headworker: Devalues us, invalidates us, puts us down and makes us feel bad about ourselves.

                  The Persuader: When we try and leave tries to convince us back through threats, intimidation and promises to change.

                  The Liar: Minimises his behaviour, denies any abuse and blames what he has done on his issues, external circumstances, health problems or his partner.

                  The Bad Father: Abuses the children, controls contraception, abuses his partner through the children

                  The King of the Castle: Uses male privilege to abuse us. Treats us as a servant or slave. Controls the finances and treats us as incapable.

                  The Sexual Controller: Abuses us sexually.

                  Chapter 5
                  Posted by natalie on August 15, 2012 at 5:00 PM comments (0)

                  This chapter begins after Christian has first flirted with Ana, then rejected her, then track her down via her mobile phone. He says he will take her home and then she collapses on him, drunk. She wakes up in his hotel room.

                  Page 65: Ana “There’s a knock on the door. My heart leaps into my mouth, and I can’t seem to find my voice. He opens the door anyway and stroll in.” (King of the Castle)

                  Page 66: Ana “I have no idea what he’s thinking. He hides his thoughts and feelings so well.” (Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 66: Christian “After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here.” (Jailer, King of the Castle, Liar)

                  Page 66: Ana “oh, he’s laughing at me, the bastard. I didn’t ask him to come and get me. Somehow I’ve been made to feel like the villain of the piece.” (Liar, Headworker)

                  Page 67: Ana suggest Christian finding her through a tracking device is weird and he takes the focus of himself and puts it onto her and the fact he had prevented her from being sexually assaulted by José. (Liar)

                  Page 67: Christian “You’re lucky I’m just scolding you.” Ana “What do you mean?” Christian “Well if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk…I hate to think what could have happened to you.” (Bully, Headworker, Liar, Jailer, King of the Castle)

                  Page 68: Ana “It’s disarming. One minute, I’m confused and angry, the next, I’m gazing at his gorgeous smile. Wow…I am entranced, and it’s because his smile is so rare. (Bully, Headworker, this is also called Stockholm Syndrome)

                  Page 68: Ana “One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me $14,000 books, then he tracks me like a stalker.” (Dominator)

                  Page 68: Ana “I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger.” (Dominator)

                  Page 69: Christian ““If you’re looking for your jeans, I’ve sent them to the laundry.” His gaze is dark. “They were spattered with your vomit.” Ana “”Oh,” I flush scarlet. Why oh why does he always catch me off balance?” Christian “I sent Taylor out for another pair and some shoes. They’re in the bag on the chair.”” (Bully, Jailer, King of the Castle, Headworker)

                  Page 70: Ana “Time to face Mr. Confusing.” (Headworker)

                  Page 71: Christian tells Ana he has informed her friend Kate where she is, (Jailer)

                  Page 71: Christian ““Sit,” he commands, pointing to a place at the table.” (Bully, King of the Castle)

                  Page 71: Christian “”Your hair’s very damp,” he scolds.” Ana “I couldn’t find a hairdryer,” I mutter, embarrassed. Not that I looked. Christian’s mouth presses into a hard line, but he doesn’t say anything.”” (Bully, King of the Castle)

                  Page 72: Christian ““You know, you really should learn to take a compliment.” His tone is castigating.” (Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 72: Christian ““Anastasia, I’m not the hearts and flowers kind of man…I don’t do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear of me.” He closes his eyes as if in defeat. “There’s something about you though, and I’m finding it impossible to stay away.” (Headworker, Persuader, Liar)

                  Page 74: Christian “I’m not going to touch you, Anastasia – not until I have your written consent to do so.” (Sexual Controller)

                  Page 74: Christian “Once you’re enlightened, you probably won’t want to see me again.” (Headworker)

                  Page 75: Ana “Do people always do what you tell them?” Christian ““Usually, if they want to keep their jobs,” he says deadpan. (Bully)

                  Page 75: Christian ““Eat,” he says more sharply. “Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food…eat…Eat what’s on your plate. If you’d eaten properly yesterday, you wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be declaring my hand so soon.” His mouth sets in a grim line. He looks angry.” (Liar, King of the Castle, Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 76: Ana “I’m too much of a coward to voice these thoughts aloud, especially when he looks so sullen.” (Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 76: Ana proceeds to eat all the food Christian has told her to. Christian ““Good girl,” he says, “I’ll take you home when you’ve dried your hair. I don’t want you getting ill.”” (Effect of the Dominator, Jailer, King of the Castle, Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 78: Ana “Before I know it, he’s got me in a viselike grip above my head and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips.” (Sexual Controller, Bully)

                  Page 78: Christian “You. Are. So. Sweet.” He murmurs. (Headworker, Persuader)

                  The Dominator key:

                  The Bully: Uses intimidation, makes us feel scared, uncomfortable and like we are walking on eggshells.

                  The Jailer: Uses isolation, wants to isolate us from friends and family. May control what we wear, eat or do.

                  The Headworker: Devalues us, invalidates us, puts us down and makes us feel bad about ourselves.

                  The Persuader: When we try and leave tries to convince us back through threats, intimidation and promises to change.

                  The Liar: Minimises his behaviour, denies any abuse and blames what he has done on his issues, external circumstances, health problems or his partner.

                  The Bad Father: Abuses the children, controls contraception, abuses his partner through the children

                  The King of the Castle: Uses male privilege to abuse us. Treats us as a servant or slave. Controls the finances and treats us as incapable.

                  The Sexual Controller: Abuses us sexually.

                  Chapter 4
                  Posted by natalie on August 15, 2012 at 4:10 PM comments (0)

                  So having turned up at Ana’s work in a stalker like fashion, then leading her to believe he likes her and taking her to a coffee shop, Christian now totally confuses Ana.

                  Page 49: Christian ““Anastasia, you should steer clear of me, I’m not the man for you,” he whispers.” Ana “What? Where is this coming from? Surely I should be the judge of that. I frown, and my head swims with rejection”” (Liar, Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 49: Ana NO! my psyche screams as he pulls away, leaving me bereft. (Effects of the Dominator)

                  Page 49: Ana “He doesn’t want me. He really doesn’t want me. I have royally screwed up the coffee morning.” (Effect of the Dominator)

                  Page 49: Ana “”Thank you,” I mutter, awash with humiliation. How could I have misread the situation between us so utterly? I need to get away from him.” (Effect of the Dominator)

                  Page 50: Ana “All my vague unarticulated hopes have been dashed. He doesn’t want me. What was I thinking? I scold myself. What would Christian Grey want with you? my subconscious mocks me. (Effect of the Dominator)

                  Page 52: Katherine [Ana’s friend] “Then why have you been crying? You never cry,” she says, he voice softening.” (Effect of the Dominator)

                  Page 54-55: Ana has not contacted Christian since he rejected her and she arrives home to find Christian has posted her a gift worth over $14,000, she hasn’t told him her address. (Persuader, Jailer)

                  Page 57-58: Ana gets drunk and then rings Christian. She asks him why he sent her the books, instead of replying he wants to know where she is: Christian ““Anastasia, where are you? Tell me now.” His tone is so…so dictatorial, his usual control freak.” Ana “You’re so…domineering.” Christian “Ana so help me, where the fuck are you?” (Bully, Jailer)

                  Page 58: Ana hangs up on Christian then suddenly he calls her back: ““I’m coming to get you [Ana hasn’t told him where she is],” he says and hangs up. Only Christian Gray could sound so calm and so threatening at the same time.” (Jailer)

                  Page 59: Ana’s friend José sexually assaults her forces her to kiss him and suddenly Christian appears. (José: Sexual Controller. Christian: Jailer)

                  Page 61: Christian “I’m all for pushing limits, but really this is beyond the pale. Do you make a habit of this kind of behaviour?” Ana “My head buzzes with excess alcohol and irritation. What the hell has it got to do with him? I didn’t invite him here. He sounds like a middle-aged man scolding me like an errant child.” (Headworker, Liar, Jailer)

                  Page 61: Christian “Come on I’ll take you home,” Ana “I need to tell Kate,” I’m in his arms again. Christian “My brother can tell her.” (Jailer)

                  Page 62: Ana “How did you find me?” Christian “I tracked your cell phone Anastasia.” Ana “Oh, of course he did. How is that possible? Is it legal? Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me…” (Jailer, Headworker)

                  Page 62: Ana ““Christian, please, I need to tell Kate. She’ll worry.” His mouth presses into a hard line, and he sighs heavily.” Christian “If you must.” (Jailer, Bully)

                  Page 63: Ana “He’s served immediately, no waiting for Mr. Control Freak Grey.” (Dominator)

                  Page 63: Christian buys Ana a drink. Ana “He’s watching me intently. I take a tentative sip” Christian ““All of it,” he shouts.” Ana ““He’s so overbearing.”…he looks frustrated, angry.” (Bully)

                  Page 64: This chapter ends with Christian dancing with Ana and preventing her to from speaking to her friend Katherine. (Jailer)

                  The Dominator key:

                  The Bully: Uses intimidation, makes us feel scared, uncomfortable and like we are walking on eggshells.

                  The Jailer: Uses isolation, wants to isolate us from friends and family. May control what we wear, eat or do.

                  The Headworker: Devalues us, invalidates us, puts us down and makes us feel bad about ourselves.

                  The Persuader: When we try and leave tries to convince us back through threats, intimidation and promises to change.

                  The Liar: Minimises his behaviour, denies any abuse and blames what he has done on his issues, external circumstances, health problems or his partner.

                  The Bad Father: Abuses the children, controls contraception, abuses his partner through the children

                  The King of the Castle: Uses male privilege to abuse us. Treats us as a servant or slave. Controls the finances and treats us as incapable.

                  The Sexual Controller: Abuses us sexually.

                  Chapter 2
                  Posted by natalie on August 15, 2012 at 4:05 AM comments (0)

                  The first part of Chapter 2 is Ana’s thoughts on meeting Christian and the second part is once she has met him.

                  Page 17: Ana “I race for the glass doors and suddenly I’m free” (Effects of the Dominator)

                  Page 17: Ana “I close my eyes…trying to recover what’s left of my equilibrium.” (Effects of the Dominator)

                  Page 17: Ana “I don’t understand my irrational reaction. I breathe an enormous sigh of relief.” (Effects of the Dominator)

                  Page 17: Ana “Surely I’m overreacting to something that’s imaginary.” (Effects of the Headworker)

                  Page 17: Ana “He may be arrogant, but then he has a right to be…” (Dominator)

                  Page 18: Ana “Some of his answers were so cryptic – as if he had a hidden agenda.” (Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 18: Ana “I’m driving more cautiously than I would on any other occasion. And I know it’s the memory of those penetrating gray eyes gazing at me and a stern voice telling me to drive carefully.” (Headworker, Jailer)

                  Page 18: Ana “Grey’s more like a man twice his age.” (Dominator)

                  Page 18: Ana “I never have to see him again. I’m immediately cheered by the thought.” (Resisting the Dominator)

                  Page 18: Ana “As I hit Interstate 5, I realise I can drive as fast as I want.” (Resisting the Dominator)

                  Page 19: Ana “I’m glad it’s over and I don’t have to see him [Christian] again. He was rather intimidating.” (Bully)

                  Page 19: Ana “He made me feel like such an idiot…” (Headworker)

                  Page 21: Ana “He’s very driven, controlling, arrogant – scary, but very charismatic.” (Dominator)

                  Page 24: Christian Grey turns up to Ana’s workplace (which she hasn’t told him about) unannounced. Christian “Miss Steele. What a pleasant surprise.” Ana “His gaze is unwavering and intense.” (Jailer, Bully, Headworker, Psycho!)

                  Page 25: Ana “…his lips are alight with humour, as if he’s enjoying some private joke.” (Headworker)

                  Page 25: Ana “I am utterly thrown by the sight of him standing before me.” (Effects of the Headworker)

                  Page 25: Ana “He smiles and again it’s like he’s privy to some big secret.” (Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 27: Ana “I have the uncanny feeling that he’s laughing at me.” (Headworker)

                  Page 27: Ana “Jeez, could I feel any more self-conscious.” (Effects of the Headworker)

                  Page 28: Christian “What would you recommend?” Ana “”What would I recommend? I don’t even know what [he’s] doing.” (Headworker)

                  Page 30: Ana “He’s changed from the weirdly attentive customer to someone else – someone cold and distant.” (Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 30: Ana “And for some irrational reason I feel I have to explain [to him] a bit more.” (Headworker)

                  Page 31: Ana “…it’s like he’s saying something else entirely. It’s baffling” (Headworker)

                  Page 31: Ana “His tone is clipped and cool. Damn…have I offended him? Taking a deep breath I turn and head for the register. What is his problem?” (Effects of Headworker and Bully)

                  Page 31: “He’s watching me closely, intently. It’s unnerving.” (Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 31: Ana “He [leaves] leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones.” (Effects of the Dominator)

                  The Dominator key:

                  The Bully: Uses intimidation, makes us feel scared, uncomfortable and like we are walking on eggshells.

                  The Jailer: Uses isolation, wants to isolate us from friends and family. May control what we wear, eat or do.

                  The Headworker: Devalues us, invalidates us, puts us down and makes us feel bad about ourselves.

                  The Persuader: When we try and leave tries to convince us back through threats, intimidation and promises to change.

                  The Liar: Minimises his behaviour, denies any abuse and blames what he has done on his issues, external circumstances, health problems or his partner.

                  The Bad Father: Abuses the children, controls contraception, abuses his partner through the children

                  The King of the Castle: Uses male privilege to abuse us. Treats us as a servant or slave. Controls the finances and treats us as incapable.

                  The Sexual Controller: Abuses us sexually.

                  Chapter 1
                  Posted by natalie on August 14, 2012 at 5:50 PM comments (0)

                  Chapter 1

                  The interactions in this chapter happen during the first meeting between Christian and Ana. In all the interaction lasts less than an hour.

                  Page 9: Ana senses Christian is laughing at her (Headworker)

                  Page 10: Ana says to Christian “You’re sound like a control freak” (Dominator)

                  Page 10: Christian: “Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele.” (Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 10: Christian: “…immense power is acquired by assuring your secret reveries that you were born to control things” (Dominator)

                  Page 11: Ana: “Why does he make me so uncomfortable?” (Headworker, Bully)

                  Page 11: Christian “There are people who’d say I don’t have a heart.” (Dominator, Persuader)

                  Page 12: Ana: “That’s why I’m sitting here squirming uncomfortably under his penetrating gaze.” (Bully, Headworker)

                  Page 12: Christian: “A man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled…I like control – of myself and those around me” (Headworker, Persuader, All round Dominator)

                  Page 12: Ana: “So you want to possess things?”… Christian: “I want to deserve to possess them, but yes, bottom line, I do.” (Dominator

                  Page 12: Ana: “He smiles but his smile doesn’t tough his eyes.” (Bully)

                  Page 12 – 13: Ana “I want this interview to be over.” (Dominator)

                  Page 15: “His gaze is intense, all humour gone, and strange muscles deep in my belly clench suddenly.” (Bully)

                  Page 15: Christian “Well, you’d better drive carefully.” (King of the Castle, Headworker, Jailer)

                  Page 15: Ana “That odd current between us is still there. It must be my nerves.” (Bully)

                  The Dominator key:

                  The Bully: Uses intimidation, makes us feel scared, uncomfortable and like we are walking on eggshells.

                  The Jailer: Uses isolation, wants to isolate us from friends and family. May control what we wear, eat or do.

                  The Headworker: Devalues us, invalidates us, puts us down and makes us feel bad about ourselves.

                  The Persuader: When we try and leave tries to convince us back through threats, intimidation and promises to change.

                  The Liar: Minimises his behaviour, denies any abuse and blames what he has done on his issues, external circumstances, health problems or his partner.

                  The Bad Father: Abuses the children, controls contraception, abuses his partner through the children

                  The King of the Castle: Uses male privilege to abuse us. Treats us as a servant or slave. Controls the finances and treats us as incapable.

                  The Sexual Controller: Abuses us sexually.

                  Chapter by Chapter
                  Posted by natalie on August 14, 2012 at 5:45 PM comments (0)

                  I have decided to go through the entirety of 50 Shades and for each chapter work out which aspects of the Dominator are being displayed by Christian Grey. For those not familiar with the Dominator, it has been developed by Pat Craven for the Freedom Programme and is based on the Deluth wheel of power and control. You can view the Dominator graphic here. Here is a brief overview:

                  The Bully: Uses intimidation, makes us feel scared, uncomfortable and like we are walking on eggshells.

                  The Jailer: Uses isolation, wants to isolate us from friends and family. May control what we wear, eat or do.

                  The Headworker: Devalues us, invalidates us, puts us down and makes us feel bad about ourselves.

                  The Persuader: When we try and leave tries to convince us back through threats, intimidation and promises to change.

                  The Liar: Minimises his behaviour, denies any abuse and blames what he has done on his issues, external circumstances, health problems or his partner.

                  The Bad Father: Abuses the children, controls contraception, abuses his partner through the children

                  The King of the Castle: Uses male privilege to abuse us. Treats us as a servant or slave. Controls the finances and treats us as incapable.

                  The Sexual Controller: Abuses his partner sexually.

                  Here is the full reality of Christian Gray as the Dominator throughout 50 Shades. Each link will take you through to the aspects of The Dominator for that chapter.

                  Fifty Shades of Grey

                  Chapter 1

                  Chapter 2

                  Chapter 3

                  Chapter 4

                  Chapter 5

                  Create a free website at Webs.com

                  • Fifty Shades Of Rape Culture
                    By Moria Byrne Garton

                    http://www.eurekastreet.com.au/article.aspx?aeid=33478 on Eurekastreet an Australian site.

                    She quotes the editors Buchwald,Fletcher and Roth of the anthology,Transforming A Rape Culture and she says as Buchwald,Fletcher and Roth describe it,rape culture is ‘ a complex of beliefs than encourages male sexual aggression and supports violence against women’:It is a society where violence is seen as sexy and sexuality violent.In a rape culture,women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape… A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrosim against women as the norm.

                    Moria says further down in this article,that such a culture is emboldened by bad fiction marketed as erotica for women,(and she has this as a highlighted link that takes you to an article from an Australian news paper about the huge popularity of Fifty Shades Of Grey and they called it supermarket porn) where a female protagonist submits physically,emotionally,sexually,and financially to the control and abuse of the male hero’. THen there is the rest of this great article,and she got a lot of great supportive responses including from men.

                    One of the men Edward F02 said, “An excellent article,Moria. We are certainly living in a culture which does trivialise and objectify women as people and mitigates against a normal,healthy and safe relationship between the sexes. I think more needs to be done as far as looking at the Australian situation goes in regard to success on the sporting field and the virtual deification of male sporting heroes,especially in the NFL and AFL,with the consequent female hangers on and the appalling treatment of many of them.This area would be as bad an influence as the revolting sadomasochistic pornography you mention. Perhaps the two reinforce each other in certain instances. I think there is something sick about the way some of my fellow men look at women.Mick is always practical:there are little things anyone can do which might prevent assault and rape.I think we need to redefine the current paradigm of male/female relationships in this country.It will be an enormous and uphill task but I consider it an urgent necessity. I don’t think we can describe Australia as a civilised society if this sort of attitude and behavior remain untouched and unchanged.”

                    • http://karnythia.tumblr.com/post/24889767867/50-shades-of-domestic-violence

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                      11 Jun 2012
                      12:39PM

                      50 Shades of Domestic Violence

                      I keep meaning to do a proper post where I go through all the DV checklists & find examples in the 50 Shades series. But that requires me to re-read all three books & I’m not about that life. So we’ll go with controlling behavior & Ana’s inner thoughts and feelings. Anyone with a stronger stomach is welcome to tackle Christian’s belittling & violent behavior. I made it through these two checklists & now my soul hurts. These books are awful on so many levels, but the worst part to me is that this is supposed to a romantic escape from reality. There’s nothing romantic about watching someone go through the cycles of abuse, until she gives up & gives into his every whim.

                      Does your partner:

                      act excessively jealous and possessive?

                      Shortly after their first meeting Christian follows Ana to a night club where he sees her being kissed by her friend Jose. He gets angry at her and the friend despite the fact that he has no romantic relationship with Ana at that point. For the rest of the book, any mention of Jose upsets him.

                      control where you go or what you do?

                      One of the ways Christian expresses his concern for Ana’s well being is by demanding that she tell him where she’s going and when. He uses the GPS chip in her phone to track her movements, and follows her when she leaves town to visit her mother in order to press his case for a sexual relationship once again.

                      keep you from seeing your friends or family?

                      Christian talks Ana into signing a non disclosure agreement about their relationship before telling her he wants her to be sexually submissive. As a result of that agreement she can’t legally confide in anyone about the nature of their relationship. The secrecy is a strain, and rather than lie to anyone she has to continually turn to him with anything that concerns her about what he wants from her.

                      limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

                      Christian decides he doesn’t like the look of Ana’s classic car. He buys her a new one, and badgers her into agreeing to sell her vehicle. After she sells her car, Christian continuously tries to find reasons to keep her from driving the new car he’s purchased for her.

                      constantly check up on you?

                      Christian emails Ana constantly, and gets upset when she doesn’t respond on his timetable. He admits to using her phone to track her movements, and makes jokes about stalking her.

                      Do you:

                      feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
                      Ana is constantly worried about Christian being angry with her & is hesitant to speak up or push back when he gets upset. Even when she does fight back she usually folds in a matter of minutes & gives him what he wants.

                      avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
                      There are too many examples to list. Ana spends more time managing his emotions than she does taking care of her own.

                      feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
                      Christian wants a submissive partner & refuses to accept that Ana is not submissive. She keeps trying because she loves him & he uses that to hurt her.

                      believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
                      Ana decides Christian’s so perfect that there must be something wrong with her every time they have a fight. This guy takes over her life, punishes her sexually for not being at home when a would be kidnapper shows up (he was wrong, she saved herself by going out with a friend & that seems to upset him the most), and Ana somehow winds up convinced it’s her fault too.

                      wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
                      Ana spends a lot of time confused, upset, & crying, but she doesn’t seem to connect that with Christian’s treatment of her. Instead she focuses on what she thinks she’s doing wrong in their relationship & strives to normalize his antics.

                      feel emotionally numb or helpless?
                      Ana can’t even manage to stay angry with Christian. She’s so numb that when he embarrasses her at work in a bid to get her to change her last name she agrees to do it despite her own feelings on the matter. She comes the closest to being able to stay mad at him at the end of the 3rd book & even then she forgives him again.

                      trigger warning
                      50 shades of shit
                      domestic violence
                      text
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        • smash says:

          Em_one, thanks for stopping by.

          It’s good to brainstorm revolutionary actions.

    • Snarkurchin says:

      Women have always been called to account to fix the “problems” men have with women. How much energy are we supposed to spend on men again? And what have men offered to “fix” for us?

    • Safron says:

      Re-educating men. Why haven’t womin thought of that before? Thank you for bringing us that brilliant original strategy for dealing with men. If only we silly girls had tried talking to men centuries ago, men would know and care about the harm they inflict on us. It’s not like the very idea of re-educating men places all the burden on womin, all the blame when they inevitably fail.

      I really don’t understand why finding a man is such a huge deal in the first place. Who cares if there is a handful of non-pornsick men in the world; you don’t get cookies for not being an abusive shit. Womin manage to reach the dizzying heights of Not a John everyday, why do men deserve special attention when the best they can do is not use porn provided they have a womyn to fuck?

  7. blueyes1005 says:

    The other day I was spending time with a good friend who has recently begun dating a new man. This man, she says, frequently asks to ejaculate on her face and body, and will not stop harassing her for anal sex. ….

    a little help here, please…and I am beyond sincere, however naive, in my request for feedback. I could have been that “friend”…my husband of one year has just begun doing/asking for these things…is this some sort of “red flag” that he is using porn? something I have suspected, but he would deny…I thought perhaps he was just getting “bored” with our sex life…????????

    • smash says:

      blueeyes1005, thank you for stopping by.

      In my opinion, yes, this is absolutely a red flag that he is using porn, and I believe others will agree.

      I’m so sorry to tell you.

      • blueyes1005 says:

        i don’t know if this is the correct forum for my asking this, so please redirect me if it is inappropriate…i am wondering why this is an indication…I’m not “happy” about this change in our sex life (he is very difficult to talk to about our intimacy) but was so surprised to read your description that is exactly my situation…I just didn’t “know” that anyone else experienced this, how is it that it correlated to porn use? do you see what I’m asking?

        • smash says:

          Hi blueeyes, your questions are welcome here.

          When I get home I will look up to see if there are studies correlating porn-sex (of the kind we’re talking about) with porn use. However, it’s pretty intuitive. Where do men get the idea to do degrading acts to their partners? There are only so many sources where they would have gotten these ideas. This is true, I think, particularly when the acts come “out of the blue”– outside the normal bedroom repertoire. As I wrote in my post, most men use porn, so it is very likely (even if you weren’t experiencing this change) that your husband does use porn. The fact of his bedroom behavior is just one more indicator toward that.

          I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Please don’t hesitate to PM me if you want to talk more privately. I’m smashesthep at mail dot com.

        • thebewilderness says:

          You are being groomed to tolerate abuse.
          I know that sounds horrible, but that is what red flags signal.
          If you cannot talk with him about these things then you do not actually have an intimate relationship. That is a red flag too.

        • Mark Wukas wrote in the Chicago Tribune March 21 1993 that back in 1989 research by psychologist Dr.James Check at York University’s psychology department Toronto Canada found 29% of boys indicated that pornography was the most useful source of sex information including school.parents teachers and peers.He said that to find out what children were learning from the pornography, Check devised a questionnaire that asked under what circumstances is it OK for a boy to hold a girl down and force her to have sexual intercourse.Check found that 43# of the boys and 16% of the girls said that holding a woman down and forcing sexual intercourse is at least maybe OK if she gets him sexually excited.His findings also found that one third of 14-year old boys and 2% of girls watch video pornography regularly.

          Also, Robert Jensen explains in his great important book,Getting Off:Pornography And The End Of Masculinity whatever the genesis of the cum shot in the history of pornography we can ask why it continues.He then asks what does the cum shot mean? He says in one of the first films he watched for his study of pornography was the 1990 porn video Taboo VIII and one of the male characters offers an answer.He says that when this man refuses the request of a woman(whom he feels is a slut) to have intercourse with her he tells her,”I don’t f*ck sluts I jerk off on them.Take it or leave it.” He then ejaculates on her breasts.Robert Jensen says that this suggests that ejaculating onto a woman is a method by which she is turned into a slut,something -not really someone-whose purpose is to be sexual with men.He then says ejaculating onto her body marks her as a “slut” which in pornography is synonymous with “woman”.

          He then says that that assessment was echoed by a veteran of the pornography industry (porn star and director Bill Margold),who told an interviewer:I’d like to really show what I believe the men want to see:violence against women.I firmly believe that we serve a purpose by showing that.The most violent we can get is the cum shot in the face.Men get off behind that,because they get even with the women they can’t have.We try to inundate the world with orgasms in the face.

          Bill Morgold also said,My whole reason for being in the Industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don’t care for women and want to see the men in my Industry getting even with the women they couldn’t have when they were growing up.I strongly believe this,and the Industry hates me for saying it…So when we come on a woman’s face or somewhat brutalize her sexually :we’re getting even for their lost dreams.I believe this.I’ve heard audiences cheer me when I do something foul on screen.When I’ve strangled a person,or brutalized a person,the audience is cheering my action,and then when I’ve fulfilled my warped desire,the audience applauds.

          Feminist anti-porn educator Sociologist Dr.Gail Dines said that many of her female students told her that their boyfriends are constantly pressuring them to the things they see in pornography,that they have seen it in the pornograohy and now they want to experience it in real life.She said that many young women are so desperate to have a man in their lives that they will often give in and do these things even though their instincts are telling them don’t do it.

          Dr.Chyng Sun also reports that many women have told her that their boyfriends and husbands are constantly asking them to the things they have seen in pornography and they don’t want to.On quite a few message boards over the years I have seen posts by men asking women if they like to have or will let their boyfriends or husbands cum on their faces like they do in the porn videos.One women made a topic about 5 years ago called,Some Men’s Disgusting Obsession and she said her boyfriend constantly wants her to let him ejaculate on her face and she said she feels it’s disgusting and degrading and she said he watches a lot of porn videos and she knows thats where he got the idea. A guy responded and said that a lot of young men are watching a lot of pornography on the internet today and they learn to think it’s sexy to ejaculate on a woman’s face or body.

          Another guy posted on an “Adult” Site where they had advice questions and anwers and he posted that he ejaculated on his girfriend’s face and she was very angry and upset and she left him for good.But he couldn’t understand why and what he did wrong because he said his girl friend was always wild in bed and he said he watches a lot of porn videos and all of the porn stars love facials.On LoveShack.org a guy said that he and other men he knew said that it never occurred or appealed to them to ejaculate on a woman’s face or body,only inside her vaginally,until they saw it in pornography.Many women have also said their husbands and boyfriends are pressuring them to have anal sex after seeing women in pornography portrayed as if they love it.

        • Pornography is extremely sexist and woman-hating and it teaches and normalizes sick distortions of women,men and sexuality,and it sexualizes male supremacy,sexist gender inequality,male dominance,women’s subordination and submission to men,,male supremacy objectification and dehumanization of women as only sex objects to be used,ejac*lated all over,and disgarded, for men,often calls women woman-hating names like s***s,b******,and w***** and even male violence!

          And because it sexualizes and normalizes all of these sick things and sexist injustices, and has been wrongly mainstreamed and made acceptable in a sexist sick woman-hating male dominated society,that created and normalized it in the first place,more women are sadly disturbingly being influenced to think this is what normal hetrosexuality is,and it teaches men that this is what women want and like, and that they want to be treated by them this way! Attitudes like yours really make any hope for change seem hopless!

          Many men who used to use pornography when they were younger who are now anti-pornography anti-sexist anti-male violence educators include, former all star high school football player Jackson Katz who wrote the great important book,The Macho Paradox How Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help and he writes about how pornography sexualizes men’s power,woman hatred,sexual objectification and dehumanization and subordination of women,and this is all connected to male violence,and gender inequality,and how the pornography industry has sold this woman-hatred and men’s power as normal and liberating to the public.

          Therapist Russ Funk who is a anti-racist,anti-sexist,anti-male violence educator has written books and articles on this as well and he had a chapter ,What Pornography Says About Me(n) in the book,Not For Sale:Feminists Resisting Prostitution & Pornography in which he said that when he used pornography he saw all women as just f***able even women he saw in classes,business coleagues and women on the street .He said being commited to justice and using pornography is inherently contradictory,because one can not look at others as fully equal,empowered,dynamic human beings if one is also looking at them through the pornographic gaze.

          He also did a presentation in 2006 at The Center For Women Children and Families,Pornography What’s The Harm? On his site it describes 3 workshops he presents to people on the harms of pornography.He also wrote a book in 1993,Stopping Rape:A Challenge For Men and he includes pornography as one of the causes of rape culture.

          The important organization,Men Can Stop Rape also discusses and educates on how men’s sexuality is socialized by pornography.

          And Robert Jensen has written great articles and his important book,Getting Off Pornography And The End Of Masculinity.And Dr.Michael Flood’s recent report is great too.John Stoltenberg’s excellent 1989 book,Refusing To Be A Man Essays On Sex and Justice that consists of brilliant important speaches he made from the late 70’s -the late 80’s also discusses how pornography eroticizes and sexualizes male supremacy, sexism,woman hatred,violence,male dominance and female submission and subordination of women,and makes it feel and seem like sex to people and even makes sexism necessary for some people to have sexual feelings and arousal,keeps it this way, makes it the reality that people believe is true, and keeps people from knowing any other possibility.He co-founded Men Against Pornography In New York.

          Paul Kivel who is the founder of The Oakland Men’s Project in California who has been a long time anti-sexist,anti-racist,anti-male violence educator,also wrote about how harmful and sexist pornography is in his great important 1999 book,Boys Will Be Men Raising Our Sons For COURAGE,CARING,and COMMUNITY.

          He writes that it is not surprising that an industry worth billions of dollars a year,which may be bigger than the record and movie industries combined,has developed many ways to justify it’s existence and insinuate itself into mainstream male culture.

          Paul then says that there are several books that describe in detail the harm pornography does to men as well as to women.He says these books listed in the bibliography,also contain descriptions of the pornography industry’s efforts to suppress and disrupt people organizing against it.The books he lists are,Men Confront Pornography edited by Michael S.Kimmel,Making Violence Sexy:Feminist Views On Pornography by Dianna E.H.Russell,and Pornography:The Production and Consumption Of Inequality by Gail Dines et.al.

          Paul also says in this book that talking to another adult can also help you decide if this is a situation in which you want to forbid the presence of porn in your house or if you just want to make it clear to your son how you fell about pornography but will let him decide what to do with the magazines or videos he has.He says in either case,it’s important to find out your son’s thoughts about pornography .He then says he may no little about the industry,it’s exploitation in the production of pornography,or the effects on women,men,and their relationships when men use it.He says it might be useful,if you have the stomach for it,to look through some of the material with him and talk about what you see.

          Brooklyn College psychology professor Dr.Robert Brannon was a co-chair with Phylis B.Frank for 20 years from 1990 of The New York NOW’s Task Force on the harms of pornography,trafficking, and prostitution and he is co-founder of NOMAS National Organization For Men Against Sexism and he;s the organization’s group leader of their Task Force on prostitution and pornography.There is lso a n excellent recent report by pro-feminist Australian gender studies and sociology professor Dr.Michael Flood,The Harms Of Pornography Exposure Among Children And Young People and he also includes a lot of great research studies about the effects on adult users.He explains that Adults also show an increase in behavioral agression following exposure to pornography including non-violent or violent depictions of sexual activity (but not nudity) with stronger effects for violent pornography.He has a lot of researchers as references.

          Dr.Flood also then explains that in studies of pornography use in everyday life,men who are high frequency users of pornography and men who use ‘hardcore’,violent, or rape pornography are more likely than others to report that they would rape or sexually harass a woman if they knew they could get away with it.And they are more likely to actually perpetrate sexual coercion and agression.His reference for this is studies by psychologist Neil Malamuth et al 2000.Dr.Flood also says that perhaps the most troubling impact of pornography on children and young people is it’s influence on sexual violence. And he then says that a wide range of studies of the effects of pornography have been conducted among young people age 18-25,as well as older polualtions.

          He says across these,there is consistent and reliable evidence that exposure to pornography is related to male sexual aggression against women.This association is strongest for violent pornography and still reliable for non-violent pornography particularly for frequent users. His source is psychologist Neil Malamuth et al 2000.He also says that in experiemental studies adults show significant strengthening of attitudes supportive of sexual aggression following exposure to pornography.He then says the association between pornography and rape supportive attitudes is evident as a result of exposure to both non-violent (showing consenting sexual activity) and violent pornography while the latter results in significantly greater increase in violence-supportive attitudes.He also says exposure to sexually violent material increases male viewers acceptance of rape myths and erodes their empathy for victims of violence.

          His source for this is Allen et al 1995.He explains adults also show an increase in behavioral aggression following exposure to pornography including non-violent or violent depictions of sexual activity(but not nudity) with stronger effects for violent pornography.Allen et al 1995.He said in a 2010 article that in 2009 there was a major compliation of research studies that confirmed all of this earlier research studies.

          He also explains there are many studies that show that teen boys who are frequent users of pornography more often sexually harass girls and believe it’s perfectly OK to hold a girl down and force her to have sex.

          Dr.Flood also says that pornography is a poor and indeed dangerous sex educator and that pornography helps to sustain young people’s adherence to sexist and unhealthy notions of sex and relationships. He says it may exacerbate violence-supportive social norms and encourage their participation in sexual abuse.

          He also says that children may also be alienated as many adult women are,by the subordinating representations of women common in pornography .Dr.Flood was quoted in an online 2004 article about men becoming feminists that when he was a young guy who used pornography often,and it played a big role in his trying to guilt trip a woman into having sex when she didn’t want to. And in an online 2001 article called,Can Men Be Feminists? he talks about the good things that have changed,but then talks about the bad things that haven’t changed and some of the things he said that haven’t changed are movies that glamorize men’s sexual violence against women,and pornography that portrays girls and women only as sex objects for men. One of the things he says for men to do to become feminists,is stop using pornography and also clean the bathroom etc.

        • NewsPrint Article | Email Friend

          STUDY PROVES “PORNOGRAPHY IS HARMFUL”

          by LifeSiteNews.com

          Tue Mar 12, 2002 12:15 EST

          Tweet
          “Findings are Alarming”; 12,000 Participants in Study

          CALGARY, March 12, 2002 (LSN.ca) – A new study has found that viewing pornography is harmful to the viewer and society. In a meta-analysis (a statistical integration of all existing scientific data), researchers have found that using pornographic materials leads to several behavioral, psychological and social problems.

          One of the most common psychological problems is a deviant attitude towards intimate relationships such as perceptions of sexual dominance, submissiveness, sex role stereotyping or viewing persons as sexual objects. Behavioral problems include fetishes and excessive or ritualistic masturbation. Sexual aggressiveness, sexually hostile and violent behaviours are social problems as well as individual problems that are linked to pornography.

          “Our findings are very alarming”, said Dr. Claudio Violato one of the co-authors of the study. Dr. Violato, Director of Research at the National Foundation for Family Research and Education (NFFRE) and a professor at the University of Calgary, said “This is a very serious social problem since pornography is so widespread nowadays and easily accessible on the internet, television, videos and print materials”.

          Studies have shown that almost all men and most women have been exposed to pornography. An increasing number of children are also being exposed to explicitly sexual materials through mass media. The rise in sexual crimes, sexual dysfunction and family breakdown may be linked to the increased availability and use of pornography. The rape myth (belief that women cause and enjoy rape, and that rapists are normal) is very widespread in habitual male users of pornography according to the study.

          “There has been some debate among researchers about the degree of negative consequences of habitual use of pornography, but we feel confident in our findings that pornography is harmful”, Violato noted. “Our study involved more than 12,000 participants and very rigorous analyses. I can think of no beneficial effects of pornography whatsoever. As a society we need to move towards eradicating it”.

          The authors of the study concluded that exposure to pornography puts viewers at increased risk for developing sexually deviant tendencies, committing sexual offences, experiencing difficulties in intimate relationships, and accepting of the rape myth. Dr. Elizabeth Oddone-Paolucci and Dr. Mark Genuis, researchers at the National Foundation for Family Research and Education, are co-authors of the study that was published in the scientific journal Mind, Medicine and Adolescence.

          For more information see NFFRE at: http://www.nffre.com

          All content copyright 1997-2010 LifeSiteNews.com

          • By the way,in 2003 I emailed psychology professor Dr.Claudio Violato about his major extensive research study on harms of pornography and he emailed me back and said there is no question that pornography is unhealthy and harmful for people but he said the pornography industry isn’t going to tell the public the truth about it because all they care about is making money!

        • From psychiatrist Linnea Smith’s Excellent site with *tons* of *great important* research studies on the many sexist woman-hating and violent harms of pornography!

          http://www.talkintrash.com/playboy/PB96.00.html

          ANOTHER LOOK AT CENTERFOLDS

          NOTE: This website contains material that may be offensive. All visuals are drawn from Playboy magazine. The purpose of this website is educational. Research in the field of sexual media indicates that the actual use of the material is far more effective than just text in relaying the covert messages and harmful implications of pornography. We have used the least explicit yet still representative examples.

          YES, I’M OVER EIGHTEEN AND I WISH TO PROCEED

          Playing With Boys’ Fantasies… Is Not a Game
          PART I PART II PART III PART IV

          Child Magnets Help Attract a Young Audience
          PART I PART II

          Targeting Children is Big Bu$iness
          PART I PART II

          Soft Core’s Hard Sell
          PART I PART II PART III

          Sex with a Scorecard
          PART I PART II

          Is There Anything about Children NOT for Sale?
          PART I PART II PART III

          Youth Public Health Unzipped
          PART I PART II

          A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Sexist Words
          PART I PART II

          The Pornography Party Line: Sexualizing Inequality, Teaching Contempt
          PART I PART II

          The Sexual Subordination of Women Puts Females at Greater Risk for Harassment, Manipulation, and Harm
          PART I PART II PART III PART IV

          Readers are Sexually Shortsheeted by Messages Devaluing Relationship, Intimacy and Partnership.
          PART I PART II PART III

          Soft Core is Costly “Speech” for a Free Society

          PART I PART II PART III PART IV

          “I Read Playboy for the Articles…” But Do You Get the Message?
          PART I PART II

          Activism Section

          We All Need to Take A Closer Look

          And Work Together for Social Justice

          People Take Action: What YOU Can do

          Beyond the Cost of Pornography

          Bar Endnotes

          Men who said NO to PLAYBOY
          Project Director
          Linnea Smith
          WebCrafter
          Nikki Craft

          For more information, contact:
          Linnea Smith, M.D., P.O. Box 16413, Chapel Hill, NC 27516

          This complete Playboy brochure is available for downloading and viewing on Acrobat Reader. For more information on getting this brochure with Acrobat go to Linnea Smith’s Homepage. Or the brochure can be read directly from your WWW browser.

          Since Feb 18, 1998

        • Studies by Dr.John Court found that in Australia Queensland did not allow easy distribution of pornography but South Australia allowed easy and accessible pornography.He compared the rape rate of 100,000 at risk for more than a 13 year period and found Queensland had no increase in their rape rate,but South Australia’s rape rate increased 6 times! In 1974 Hawai allowed easy distribution of pornography and their rape rate increased,then they restricted it and the rape rate went down,and then they allowed wide distribution again,and the rape rate went up again and then when they restricted again,the rapes decreased!

          Sociologists Larry Baron and Murray Straus also did a state-state circulation rate of pornographic magazine sales and the connection to states with the highest sales of these magazines including playboy and the rape rate in those states.And in Alaska and Nevada is where the pornographic magazines sold the highest,and those 2 states also had the highest rape rates compared to any other states.They repeated this study the next year and the findings were exactly the same,even when they controlled for other causes,and it was only sexual assault that increased not other crimes.

          And,

          Linnea Smith By Patricia Barrera

          Linnea Smith is your average woman of the 90s. She has a satisfying family life, rewarding career in mental health and interests that include traveling with her husband, spending time with her daughters, babying her dogs and reading pornography. Yes…reading pornography–and using her professional skills and expanding international network to fight it. Like most of us, she never really thought about pornography as a critical social issue until a 1985 media conference where she learned about past and present research on pornographic materials. And what she learned shocked and angered her.

          As a psychiatrist, feminist, and woman, she was well aware of the personal and societal consequences of battery, rape, and child sexual abuse. The results of the studies delivered at that fateful conference were an indictment to the connection of pornographic materials, both directly and indirectly, with these violent sex crimes. For Smith, pornography became an issue of public health and human rights that needed to be addressed.

          As every critical thinker should, Smith went straight to the source to see for herself what was going on. She turned to Playboy, the nation’s first pornography magazine to earn mainstream acceptance and support. By 1984 Playboy had 4.2 million subscribers, and was selling 1.9 million magazines at newsstands (Miller, 1984).

          The results of her extensive investigation of the magazine (from the 1960s on) are presented in three brochures. “It’s Not Child’s Play” is a disturbing brochure that outlines the specific ways in which Playboy sexualizes small children and presents them as sexual targets for adult males in their magazine. The collection of cartoons and pictorials is damning, and made even more so when juxtaposed against pathetic statements made by Playboy representatives denying they ever used children in their publication. Smith very well could have called the brochure “Playboy Exposed”.

          Right alongside their claims that “Playboy never has, never will” publish such offensive imagery (Playboy, December, 1985), Smith placed pictures the magazine did indeed publish- of children in sexual encounters with adults and references to girl children as ‘Playmate’ material. In December of 1978, for example, Playboy published a picture of a five year old girl with the caption “my first topless picture,” and in March of that same year published a cartoon in which Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz is pointing out the Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man to a police officer as having just raped her on the yellow brick road.

          Smith did not limit her investigation to the use of children in Playboy. She found jokes about sexual harassment, abuse, manipulation, dehumanization and avoidance of intimacy by men toward their partners and callousness toward women in general, and the promotion of sexual conquest over women instead of sexual intimacy with a woman.

          In another powerful and well documented brochure, “As Sex Education, Men’s Magazines are Foul PLAY, BOYS!,” Smith once again had Playboy do the talking for her. The brochure featured Playboy cartoons that dehumanized women like the one in which a man was shown holding a pornography magazine over his girlfriend’s face and body as they are having sex (Playboy, August, 1974), and another featuring a taxidermist calling a man to come and pick up his wife, who had been stuffed (Playboy, April, 1995). Was she hunted down and killed, too?

          Smith’s brochures include extensive documentation and commentary by recognized scholars and researchers addressing the impact of pornography on our society. There are chilling statistics, like the finding that 100% of all high school aged males in one survey reported having read or looked at pornography, with the average age of viewing the first issue being 11 years old (Bryant, testimony to the Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography Hearings, 1985).

          In another study she lists, three per cent of the women in a random sample and 8.5 per cent in a survey of college undergraduate women reported being physically coerced into sex by someone inspired by pornography. Ten per cent of the nonstudent and 24 per cent of the student respondents answered yes to the question of whether they had ever been upset by someone trying to get them to do something out of a pornographic book, movie, or magazine (cited by Anderson in Lederer and Delgado, eds., 1995).

          Also included is a study conducted by Mary Koss on 6,000 college students in which she found that men reporting behavior meeting legal definitions of rape were significantly more likely to be frequent readers of pornography magazines than those men who did not report engaging in such behavior (Koss and Dinero, 1989).

          Smith is one of few people to expand her analysis of pornographic magazines to include the presence of drugs and alcohol, especially important today considering the almost epidemic level of drug and alcohol use by adults and teenagers in this country, Smith agrees that drugs and alcohol are contributing factors to high risk and coercive sex, and that the relationship between them within pornographic materials is an overlooked, and greatly needed, area of research.

          As Smith explains ” . . . No [other] reputable publication brought positive drug information within easy reach of juvenile (or adult) consumers. Since 1970, Playboy has been glamorizing intoxication as a mind-expanding, sexually-enhancing experience. It is difficult to conclude these magazines have not played a major role in popularizing ‘recreational’ drug consumption and the myth of its being fun, risk-free, and even sexy. What greater reinforcement for drug taking behavior than to eroticize it?”

          In “Drug Coverage in Playboy Magazine,” a brochure she developed for the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association), Smith compiled a plethora of cartoons that favorably paired sex with drugs and alcohol. Cartoons, articles and columns advise readers on how to use drugs for sexual enhancement. References to negative effects were usually humorously presented and so, easily dismissed.

          Playboy’s depiction of underage users of drugs and alcohol even included their own version of the Official Boy Scout Handbook in (Playboy, August, 1984). Their suggestions for Scout Merit Badges included “Water Safety” for the scout who ordered his Johnnie Walker whiskey straight up, and “Free-Basing” for the scout who smoked cocaine. A similar feature in 1979 stated that “Today, ‘boyhood fun’ means cruising and scoring; overnight adventures’ involve Ripple and car stripping; and ‘survival skills include cocaine testing, bust evasion and cutting into gas lines” (Playboy, December, 1979).

          Once Smith contacted the NCAA about her serious concerns, media attention and public scrutiny increased. Playboy denied any wrongdoing, claiming they were only reflecting a “major cultural phenomena”, but they did scale back the more obvious pro-drug and alcohol features in the magazine. damage control campaign resulted in a politically correct editorial statement on the magazine’s position on drug abuse in the May 1987 issue as well as a few anti-drug articles. To counter Smith’s NCAA attempts, the magazine also courted collegiate sports information offices with a mass mailing of a hastily compiled slick, glossy booklet “The Dangers of Drugs”, explaining their “real” position against substance abuse. However the magazine still includes covert messages glamorizing substance abuse and pairing sexualized alcohol consumption with easier prey. According to Smith, “we succeeded in exposing yet another dimension of the destructive nature of pornography, and, at the very least, cost Playboy some time and money.”

          It may also cost Playboy the niche they are trying to carve out for themselves in organized sports. Playboy’s strategy for commercial success has been to include respected and well- known public figures in their magazine, an old tactic for aspiring to legitimacy. That way the magazine may be looked at as more of a credible news journal than just a porno rag. Readers too, can feel better about their consumption of pornographic pictures of women when they are “wrapped” in articles about current social issues. It made business sense to Playboy to seek out an alliance with athletes who, in some countries, are accorded hero status.

          So they came up with an annual pre-season award for college level athletes and coaches, the Playboy All-America Award. The nominated players and coaches receive an all-expenses paid trip to a luxury resort for a weekend party, photo session and public relations blitz.

          The team selection process is unorthodox at best. It is not a panel of sports officials but rather Photography Director Gary Cole, doubling as sports editor when needed, (Playboy, March, 1996, p.117) who chooses players and coaches for the award. The prerequisite is not athletic ability but rather who agrees to be photographed for the magazine. Again, a common tactic for legitimacy. Playboy rejects players unwilling to have their pictures associated with the magazine- -its content and underlying messages–and keeps making “awards” until the sufficient number of players and coaches agree to the photo sessions. The event hit some legal snafus as well. Complaints were officially lodged with the NCAA which included the presence of professional agents at the photo sessions. This charge, like the others, was also denied by the magazine in a letter to the NCAA.

          Go to Part II

        • There was a university of Pennsylvania student who was gang raped in 1990 after college men watched porn videos in their dorms.And I still have a 1985 letter written into Mademoiselle Magazine by a woman who wrote in response to Peter Nelson’s His Column,Why Nice Guys Like Playboy,she wrote from Allendale New Jersey,”I just finished reading Peter Nelson’s His Colum.Peter Nelson is certainly no nice guy,nor is any participant in pornography, a trade which profits from the exploitation of women.Why I must ask does a so-called “woman’ magazine” feature editorials which support misogyny? Mr.Nelson’s callous disregard for women is
          evident in his neglect to face the fact that pornography promotes rape and violence .I know,because my best friend was raped by four men who used pornography as a reference guide.

          There were several articles that were online from MIT’s newspaper The Tech from 1983,1984 and 1985 about how women were being sexually harassed year after year in the 1980’s after men watched hardcore porn videos on campus the university lecture hall and of because of the sexual harassment of women students after the showings. Rhea from the sadly former Women’s Alliance Against Pornography Education Project in Cambridge,sent me a lot of research on the harms of pornography back in 1991.One of the things she sent me included information that North Carolina State Representavie Richard Wright-Democrat,while announcing enactment of anti-pornography legislation he sponsored,cited a N.C. State Police study which found:defendants in 75% of the violent sex crimes in the state”had some kind of hard-core pornographic material” in their homes or vechicles.”I’m talking about S&M (sadistic & masochistic)
          material,bondage he said,that came from The New York Times 1/26/86 &
          10/13/85;The Virginian Pilot 10/20/85 and the articles were contributed by Alexandra Basil,Ray Lynn Oliver;Barbara Sparrow.

          The information also included a study conducted by the Michigan State Police in which 38,000 sexual assaults from 1956 to 1979 were analyzed found that in at least 41% of those crimes,pornography was used or imitated just prior to or during the act this came from Ladies Home Journal October 1985.The information Rhea sent me also included that a study of 36 convicted sexually oriented murderers/serial killers,found the single most common trait amongst them was 81% listed their primary sexual interest as pornography,71% voyeurism.The study’s objective,conducted by the FBI’s behavioral science unit in Quantico,Virginia,was to develop a psychological profile on sex killers in order to track them faster.The researchers concluded,after interviews with the 36 who collectively provided information on 1,188 murders,that the killers were characteristically immeresed in fantasy,this came from NY Daily News 6/26/85 and This World 7/14/85.

          Feminist psychologist Phyllis Chesler says in her
          book,Patriarchy:Notes Of An Expert Witness that serial killers are obessed with pornography and woman hatred and sexually use their victime both before and after killing them,and she said most wife beaters,pedaphiles,rapists and serial killers of women are addicted to pornography. Nobody would need to do studies
          to prove that racist and anti-semetic pornography is very harmful to Blacks
          and Jews and it never would have been mainstreamed and made acceptable!

          Dr.Gene Abel also found that more than 50% of sex offenders used
          pornography and that they were less able to control their abusive behavior than sex offenders who didn’t use it. Psychiatrist Dr.William Marshall who treats rapists and child molesters,found that 86% of rapists regularly use pornography and that 57% imitate pornographic scenes in the commiting of their crimes he also found that in a study of convicted child molesters in Ontario Canada,77% of those who molested boys and 87% of those who molested girls said they were regular users of hard-core pornography.

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          WAVE: Women Against a
          Violent Environment

          Porn Insidiously Devalues Women

          by Barbara Kasper and Barbara Moore

          Originally published in the October 27, 1994 Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester, NY)

          There has been much discussion about the airing of the public access show on cable television called Life Without Shame. While many in our community do not want the show to air, there seems to be little we can do to stop it. There are so many rights in the way: the right to adult etertainment, the right to sexual expression, constitutional rights of free speech, and the rights of business owners.

          One right which has been given little attention in this debate is human rights — specifically the rights of women.

          We feel that pornography is harmful to women and that as women we have the right to live in a society free of this harm. Pornography degrades women. It defines us through our body parts. It encourages self-hatred in women because we can never “measure up” to the women seen in pornography. We dare not grow old or become overweight. In pornography, women are rewarded for fulfilling males’ fantasies — being either the passive “good girl” or the insatiable whore.

          More importantly, pornography frequently eroticizes violence. We do not believe that every man who watches Life Without Shame will become a rapist or beat his wife or girlfriend. However, we do feel that misogynistic sexual entertainment for men portrays the humiliation of women as “sexy” and presents women as two-dimensional beings.

          In a world where women are being raped, stalked, beaten, and killed in epidemic proportions, pornography conditions too many men to “get off by putting women down.” Eventually, viewing enough pornography can desensitize all of us so that we do not even question the devaluation of women in our society.

          We believe that the number of rapes and assaults on women would be drastically reduced — but not entirely eliminated — if pornography were to disappear. We believe that pornography often serves as a cultural backdrop, if not actually a catalyst, for the sexual exploitation and abuse of women.

          Pornography sells. Men spend more than $8 billion a year on pornography. What is sells is lies about women and their response to sex. Pornography frequently portrays women as mindless, childlike and submissive. We are “pets” or “playmates.” Other forms of pornography depict women who enjoy being raped, spanked, tied up or mutilated.

          Would there be any real need for debate if viewers of cable television were exposed to programming that featured the consistent abuse and humiliating of Jews, African Americans or the elderly? Would everyone who objected to such programming be encouraged to simply “change the channel”? Yet when women are the victims, issues surrounding censorship and First Amendment rights are raised impeding progress toward real solutions.

          Many young males state that their first sexual experience was masturbating to pornography. Think of what this pornography then says to these men — that women like to be treated like objects, treated with contempt, and enjoy eroticized violence. Women in pornography never say “no,” or if they do, they don’t really mean it. Women in porn are really men’s property — always available and ready. pornography, therefore, reinforces inequity in relationships. It is difficult to believe that men can use pornography and at the same time truly respect the women in their lives.

          Far too many people believe that they have the right to control those to whom they feel superior. We know rape is not a crime of passion but rather an act of power and control. The same is true of domestic violence, sexual harassment and incest.

          Who benefits from pornography? Who finances pornography? Who is behind the camera? Who buys it?

          Who has the power?

          We need to stop the lies that pornography tells about women and sex and tell the truth. The truth is that pornography supports a larger culture that hurts, exploits and discriminates against women. Unfortunately, far too often when we tell the truth we are accused of taking away rights. As Catherine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin, who have written books against pornography, state: “Take away wrongful power and you will be accused of taking away rights. Often, this will be true because the law, under the guise of protecting rights, protects power.”

          Whose rights should take precedence? Is it the pornographers who produce Life Without Shame? Or is it the majority of us who want to live in a society which does not allow the subordination, degradation or violation of women?

          Contact us:
          info@rochesternow.org
          P.O. Box 93196, Rochester, NY 14692

        • Below is from the anti-pornography feminist site Pornography And The First Amendment. Twiss Butler of The Washington NOW said to me that women who support pornography and call themselves “feminists” are supporting sexism and woman-hating and are *NOT* feminists,and she’s totally right they are traders and hypocrites!

          Women’s Institute for

          Freedom of the Press

          Pornography and the First Amendment

          Twiss Butler

          from her chapter “Why The First Amendment Is Being Used to Protect Violence Against Women,” in The Price We Pay, The Case Against Racist Speech, Hate Propaganda, and Pornography, Laura Lederer and Richard Delgado, eds. (NY: Hill & Wang, 1995)

          “Twiss Butler argues that men’s control of institutions of communication and education allows them to support speech that harms women and to suppress speech against that harm. She observes that the publishing industry funds legal, journalistic, and nonprofit organizations endorsing a First Amendment absolutist position. She contends that the industry’s defense of pornography as protected speech serves the double purpose of dignifying misogyny and establishing the First Amendment as the publisher’s product liability shield.” (p. 160)

          “When feminists criticize pornography as graphic misogyny, they are attacking not only the system of sexism itself, with its economic and social pay-offs for men, not only Playboy’s advertising rates, but also publishers’ broad First Amendment shield against liability for any harm caused by the products that they produce and sell.

          “The publishing industry and the men in it therefore have a conflict of interest in reporting a critique of pornography as inimical to women’s civil rights (unsecured as those rights are by the Constitution). We need to consider how that conflict of interest distorts the information we receive through journalistic coverage of public debate and action on this issue.

          “Publishers protect their liability shield either by silencing feminists while granting speech to those who vilify them, or by misrepresenting the feminist critique of pornography. Women are given credibility and access to speech to the extent that they say what men want them to say. Stray from the script and you will be attacked, misquoted, or simply go unheard. As power brokers in a large industry profiting from sexism, publishers disguise this censorship as selfless concern for the First Amendment and freedom of speech. (p. 163) …

          “In the news business as elsewhere, men have long relied on the weapon of pornography to avoid having to compete on their own merits. The role pornography plays in keeping women journalists at a disadvantage is evident in the experience of Lynn carrier, an editorial writer for the San Diego Tribune who sued the paper in 1990 for sex discrimination and harassment. Men coworkers attempted to intimidate and segregate Carrier by displaying pornography in the office, using sexual insults when talking with her, and asking her to run out and buy a copy of Playboy for her supervisor–who also wondered aloud what she would charge Playboy for posing nude for photographs. Carrier won her civil suit (refusing, incidentally, to accept a secret settlement), but the outcome was typical–she no longer works at the Tribune, but is employed instead as a smaller paper in the area. (p. 164) …

          “To protect pornography, women’s speech must be carefully controlled. When Linda Lovelace said she loved starring in pornographic films, she was treated as credible; when Linda Marchiano said that she had been beaten, raped, and coerced into making those films, her credibility was questioned. No risk is overlooked. At a National Press Club speech by Christie Hefner in 1986, I addressed her ‘as a pornographer’ in a written question about her lawsuit to censor testimony from a federal hearing that referred to Playboy as pornography; when my question was read aloud by the club’s president, these three words were deleted.” (pp. 166-167)

          [This chapter by Twiss Butler alone is worth the purchase of The Price We Pay, The Case Against Racist Speech, Hate Propaganda, and Pornography. The entire book is excellent and highly recommended.]

    • j c says:

      Yes blueyes, I think it is indeed a red flag, sorry. My ex watched porn and was constantly mentioning the same things during sex. He was not bored, so much as influenced by porn both on the computer and in print. Although he would never admit to being addicted to porn he used to watch it prior to us having sex virtually every time. This affected my self-esteem and eventually became just too much. It is very sad because in many other ways we were a compatible couple, and I still have feelings for him. However, I could never have a sexual relationship with him again because of his use of porn.

      • blueyes1005 says:

        j c: yes, i see now that he clearly watches this before we are ever together…i can’t believe how his history is so perfectly correlated…and he doesn’t want to be with me as much as he used to, part of why I was “cooperating” because I didn’t want to lose him…it is all making more and more sense to me now…i know what you mean by affecting your self esteem!!! we are a compatible couple too and i love him, but after making myself look at what i am finding that he is looking at i don’t want him to come near me, i feel so embarrassed by the things i’ve done “for him” and i feel like he has taken something away from me, i’m not even sure what it is, but like I have sort of played the role of prostitute for him, thinking it was just a new way of experiencing me/us…but it doesn’t have anything to do with me now that i see the volumes of “mes” he has in his head…i feel like i am part of a sexual harem to him and i can’t handle that. someone mentioned “affairs”…i feel like he is having an affair…if you don’t mind my asking, did you actually divorce him because of this and if so, have you gotten over this???

        • j c says:

          Not entirely there were other reasons, but it was the primary reason. It was what led to me being unhappy in the relationship. I sensed a lack of emotional closeness, that all we did was have sex, not make love. Anyway, this was very recent, divorce was just final in May. So no I am not really over it. It is just a really sad thing……. He too watched all kinds of porn, straight, gay, bi,, I even asked him if he were gay or bi and he denied both.
          Yet something about it was exciting to him, I don’t understand it.

    • Psychiatrist Park Elliott Dietz On Porn Harms

      In 1994 I wrote to psychiatrist Dr.Linnea Smith about my experience and the harms of pornography. She wrote me back a very nice note and thanked me for my important efforts to educate people on the harms of porn. She said it’s especially difficult because the public is desensitzed and the media is reluctant to crititicize other media especially sexually explicit media. She sent me two huge folders full of important information on the harms including Playboy cartoons of women being sexually harassed in the workplace by their male bosses!

      One of the many things she sent me was a transcribed lecture by psychiatrist and law professor Dr.Park Elliott Dietz, and this lecture was given before the National Conference of State Legislators on August 5 1986 and was videotaped by C-Span. Dr. Dietz served as a commissioner on the Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography. He was professor of law,professor of Behavioral Medicine and Psychiatry,and Medical Director of The Institute of Law,Psychiatry and Medical Director of The Institute of Law,Psychiatry and Public Policy at The University of Virginia School of Law and School of Medicine.

      He gave many examples of women and children’s testimonies who were sexually abused by men who used pornography,and also women who were sexually harassed on the job with pornographic pictures hung up on the walls and shown to them. He said he only used a small sample of the 1000’s of women and children who testified. He says many times that pornography is a health problem and human rights issue and he said one of the reasons is because so much of it teaches false,misleading,and even dangerous information about human sexuality.

      This is what he said a person would learn about sexuality from pornography, “A person who learned about human sexuality in the “adults only” pornography outlets of America would be a person,who had never conceived of a man and woman marrying or even falling in love before having intercourse,who had never conceived of two people making love in privacy without guilt or fear of discovery,who had never conceived of tender foreplay,who had never conceived of vaginal intercourse with ejaculation during intromission,and who had never conceived of procreation as a purpose of sexual union.,

      Instead,such a person would be one who had learned that sex at home meant sex with one’s children,stepchildren,parents,stepparents,siblings,cousins,nephews,nieces,aunts,uncles,and pets,and with neighbors,milkmen,plumbers,salesmen,burglars,and peepers,who had learned that people take off their clothes and have sex within the first 5 minutes of meeting one another,who had learned to misjudge the percentage of women who prepare for sex by shaving their pubic hair,having their breasts,buttocks or legs tattooed,having their nipples or labia pierced,or donning leather,latex,rubber,or childlike costumes,who had learned to misjudge the proportion of men who prepare for sex by having their genitals or nipples pierced,wearing women’s clothing,or growing breasts.

      Who had learned that about 1 out of 5 sexual encounters involves spankning,whipping,fighting,wrestling,tying,chaining,gagging,or torture,who had learned that more than 1 in 10 sexaul acts involves a party of more than 2,who had learned that the purpose of ejaculation is that of soiling the mouths,faces,breasts,abdomens,backs,and food at which it’s always aimed,who had learned that body cavities were designed for the insertion of foreign objects,who had learned that the anus was a genital to be licked and penetrated,who had learned that urine and excrement are erotic materials,who had learned that the instruments of sex chemicals,handcuffs,gags,hoods,restraints,harnesses,police badges,knives,guns,whips,paddles,toilets,diapers,enema bags,inflatable rubber women,and disembodied vaginas,breasts,and penises,who had learned that except with the children,where secrecy was required,photographers and cameras were supposed to be present to capture the action so that it could be spread abroad.

      If these were the only adverse consequences of pornography,the most straightforward remedy would be to provide factually accurate information on human sexuality to people before they are exposed to pornography,if only we could agree on what that information is,on who should provide it to the many children whose parents are incapable of doing so,and on effective and acceptable means by which to ensure that exposure not precede education. In the absense of such a remedy,the probable consequences in this area alone are sufficient to support recommendations that would reduce the dissemination of that pornography which teaches false,misleading or dangerous information about human sexuality. And these are not the only adverse consequences of pornography.

      He then says before he gives more examples and research,that pornography is a health problem and human rights issue because it increases the probability that members of the exposed population will acquire attitudes that are detrimental to the physical and mental health of both those exposed and those around them,pornography is a health problem and human rights issue because it is used as an instrument of sexual abuse and sexual harassment.

      And look where we are now!

    • The Daily Illini

      The Independent Student Newspaper

      Column: Pornography: a vicious cycle
      Dan Mollison

      Updated: October 26th, 2005 – 12:00 AM

      Tagged with: Dan Mollison, Person Email Address, Technology, Opinions

      What part of the entertainment industry is bigger than the NFL, the NBA and the MLB combined?

      You guessed it – it’s pornography. The porn industry has grown into a $10 billion a year business, with some of our nation’s best-known corporations – including General Motors, AOL Time Warner, Marriott, Hilton and Westin – silently raking in big profits from pornography without mentioning it in their company records. Pornography has become so pervasive that in 2003, Americans spent more money on porn than they did on going to see Hollywood movies.

      Even though pornography stretches into the homes of millions of Americans, we don’t openly talk about it much. We’re even less likely to discuss how those who use pornography – who are primarily men – might be affected by seeing these images. I recently had the opportunity to be part of such a discussion, and I came away from it with a new perspective on how the men in my life, including myself, have been impacted by our exposure to pornography. When men choose to use porn, their lives and relationships pay the price.

      I was at Indiana University for a men’s conference on sexual assault prevention last weekend, and we talked about pornography’s influence on men. We focused on the type of pornography that is consumed the majority of the time, the graphic material that depicts a man – or men – sexually dominating a woman. These films usually include a standard series of sex acts including oral, vaginal and anal penetration, which are often performed while the men call the women by a multitude of derogatory names. While they’re being penetrated, women are expected to say over and over again how much they like the sex. And when the man reaches orgasm, he will typically ejaculate on the woman’s body, sometimes on her face.

      These sex scenes convey to viewers the idea that women are not human but rather are objects to be used by men to satisfy male sexual desires. In order for a man to get pleasure from watching a woman being verbally, sexually and sometimes physically abused, he has to deny the woman’s humanity. If he’s thinking about the fact that this woman has the same feelings, relationships with loved ones, dreams and aspirations as his mother, his sisters and his female friends, there is no way he would be aroused by a scene in which a man treats a woman like garbage as he’s penetrating her; he’d find it sickening. Pornography dehumanizes women, and when a man is exposed to it for a long period of time, it becomes easier for him to ignore the humanity of the women in his life.

      One of the men at the conference shared how his past experiences with pornography have had a deep impact on his life. Like many of his peers, he was first exposed to pornography in middle school, years before he would have his first serious sexual experience with a woman. Pornography offered him a rare glimpse into the world of sex that nobody was talking about, and because he wasn’t given accurate information about what sex was like, he started to believe that the acts he had been witnessing in pornography – of men sexually dominating women – is what sex is supposed to be. He then carried these beliefs into his romantic relationships, and caused his partners, and himself, a lot of undue grief.

      This experience has become a downright common one for men, and it’s truthfully a hard bind to be in. Pornography offers men a taste of something they can never have, a feeling of being completely in control. But when men return from these fantasies to a world that doesn’t always go their way, they crave the feeling of being powerful even more; and they may even seek it out in their relationships.

      To me, being a man means accepting that I won’t always get my way in life. It’s difficult to escape from the trap that pornography sets on men, but it will always be more satisfying – and more manly – to respect women, rather than use them.

      Dan Mollison is a junior in LAS. His column appears every Wednesday. He can be reached at opinions@dailyillini.com.

  8. blueyes… it means he is using porn himself or he has vocal friends telling him all about it. I’m not sure which is worse. Sorry 😦
    On the plus side, he knows its wrong and has thus far tried to hide it from you and now that you have such a clear indication, you can bring it out into the open and maybe your friend will have the courage to insist on change. You may want to educate yourself and her on reasons to be against porn. As an abolitionist, I hear of porn producers using women and girls and boys in porn against their will often drugging them to be compliant and dependant. I hear that porn is blueprint for perversions played out either significant other or with a prostitute or prostituted person(s). So human trafficking is a HUGE reason to keep porn out of your life. As is risk of disease if your friend’s new “man” sees prostitutes or prostituted persons.

    Good luck and let us know if we can help you. I hope you can help your friend.

    • blueyes1005 says:

      I’m sorry, I was quoting from the original post by “smash”…it is actually me that I am referring to..I was just so taken aback that someone else has the “same sex life” as me!!!! I really am surprised and now am trying to understand how/why this seems to be such a clear indication of porn use….as for talking to him, forget that. He refuses to talk about our sex life. Thank you for replying to my post.

      • the important thing here is that he’s disrespecting you and your boundaries. Someone who does that doesn’t love you

      • HUGE red flags for porn use ALL OVER. RUN FOR THE HILLS. This man does NOT love you or respect you or your boundaries. He wants to hurt you and he gets off on that. Think about that.

      • tiamathydra says:

        He is of course watching it or yes, considering his stupid friends ”advice” on what a good sex life should be. Either way, his not caring about your perceptions and morover, his requirement for you not to take your perception that some acts are degrading or uncomfortable (or even painful or unhealthy) seriously and his assumption that it’s his sexuality that is the ‘valid’ one and yours is an immature one in need of guidance (yes, because all these men assume that women’s sexuality is not valid and is the result of inhibitions imposed on us by religion or conservatism, since they want to believe the ‘liberated’ woman will enjoy porn-based sex) and therefore they want to enlighten us with their superior and better sexuality for us to give up what they think is our pathethic, weak, influenced, prudish sexuality, it all denotes a huge paternalism and despise involved in his refusal to talk with you about your sex life. There’s plenty of women and girls with the ‘same sex life’ as yours, it is of course due to porn, but it’s taboo to say it and only us poor old crazy radical feminists have the guts. You can watch some porn just to realize what men watch and enjoy all the time. And please do not think men are different to us and see something different in what we perceive to be torture and terror. We all see the same, both women and men. But men enjoy it.

        ”After all, he says, women in porn aren’t murdered at as high a rate as women in prostitution, so that makes it more okay.”
        This tactic of making women accept ‘the lesser evil’ is so old and tired. I’ve also heard that porn reduces rape and therefore it’s ok, but these arguments are so hypocritical. Porn reduces rape? If it were remotely true (which it’s not actually), could it be because the non-prostituted women are not suffering the rape and brutality that is forced on prostituted women? Since prostitution is institutional rape, porn reducing rape means the women in porn, who are indeed being raped, are not considered to be real, and the implication is also that there needs to be always some woman who is either raped or prostituted (has her sexual freedom and free will suppressed, either by physical force or by financial coercion) because sex is a male need and a female duty. A group of women not suffering male violence because it is reserved for another group of less-fortunate women who will indeed suffer it, doesn’t make things better in any way, and since the violence is distributed through the mainstream media, it does affect the ”fortunate” ”violence-free” women as well. It doesn’t work to beg men to be nicer to us (Andrea Dworkin dixit), rather women joining together and working for the end of pornstitution and of course, marginalizing men who use porn and make porn-based demands, would be the solution.

        • to the comment that porn reduces rape, I’d say that a lot of porn IS rape and only encourages more rape of prostituted girls and women. Before the fact, producers of porn use trafficked women and girls, use drugs to make them dependent and compliant. When you take away someone’s ability to object to the point where their will is so compromised as to be practically non-existent, how is that not rape? After the fact, porn users are infected with desires to play out the sick things they saw in the porn, and many of them will try those things out on trafficked women and girls, thus increasing the demand for human trafficking. How can something like that reduce rape? It cannot.

          • tiamathydra says:

            Of course it cannot, it was a male bullshit study that had been done in Europe (Denmark I believe) trying to justify porn. They always try to justify everything they do and they have every institution at their disposal in order to do so. Even if it hypothethically reduced rape (which it doesn’t) ”reducing” rape by assuring permanent rape to an entire subclass of women who will always be the targets of male violence, is nothing but a pathethic and failed attempt at harm-reduction based on the assumption that men need to rape and torture women. But to make things even worse, it’s not true, and it’s actually the very opposite because prostitution is now culturally mainstream; porn is the main sex education that children and teenagers get, so I agree with you that it does increase rape, as social tolerance to rape and victim-blaming.

  9. rmott62 says:

    I wish to say that porn and prostitution has always interconnected, since the first image of porn was made from what was put into the bodies and minds of prostituted women and girls.
    What angers many exited women from the sex trade is that the normal violence and degradation of porn is only an issue when it may affect women and girls outside the sex trade. It is ignored or made invisible that porn has always been used to torture the bodies and minds of the prostituted class.
    It is considered porn is more violent now – but porn has always push the minds and bodies of the prostituted beyond the limits – push to as near to death as possible. Women and girls inside the sex trade are not allow to have a voice when embedded in the sex trade – so their routine porn torturing is made into entertainment, a form of leisure – this is done by making out that the prostituted are so sub-human that they do feel pain as other women and girls do, therefore it cannot be torture.

    • smash says:

      Thank you for visiting my blog, Rebecca, and for your comment.

      I completely agree that many objections to porn focus on what it does to women in relationships with porn users, rather than on the horror of being in pornography. It is important to note that those inside pornography are the ones being tortured.

      Additionally, exited women should be leaders in the abolitionist movement.

  10. blueyes1005 says:

    I want to thank everyone for so respectfully enlightening me…I am honestly very overwhelmed and upset, but I appreciate knowing what I have suspected, which is why I was looking for information in the first place…I just didn’t expect to find it so specifically…and now that I have, I feel sick and betrayed and angry…and because this isn’t something that I would EVER talk about with anyone (and can hardly believe I have found a place to have this revealed) receiving comments and observations like he “doesn’t respect/love” me or that I am being used as an outlet for his pleasure without any interest in mine, much less being able to talk about that with him (paraphrasing here) is really not acceptable….I want to throw up and at the same time say “Thank God” if that makes any sense at all…this is a man holding a position of helping humanity not degrading others…no one would ever believe me (except here…or because I can’t/won’t talk about it)…I really feel shaky and kind of panicky…this has felt all wrong all along and I don’t have any proof. He won’t talk, I’ve tried. If I bring this up he will become furious and accuse me of attacking his character…the last time we had a disagreement about some part of this, he left and didn’t come home for a day. I’m not sure what to do, but I will figure it out…he knows how I feel about pornography, I would never have married him if I thought he was into this…and he knows that!!! which only increases my confusion.

    • smash says:

      Oh blueyes. I am so, so sorry to hear that he has done this to you.

      I am glad, however, that you are coming to know this truth- despite how painful it is.

      I hope you are able to find someone in your life to talk with about this. Please know that you are not alone, as much as it feels that you are. There are so many women who have experienced just what you have.

      Big hugs from me. Again, please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you through this.

      To the rest of my commenters, do you know of a support site for spouses of porn users?

    • Dan Kleinman says:

      So sorry to hear this. I do not know where to go to get assistance, but I do know some people who might. Try this: http://www.pornharms.com/beaware/

    • tiamathydra says:

      I’m also very sorry, and don’t know where to go (there is almost no social consciousness about this so it’s hard to find support). As female-bodied beings I would bet my hands that all women know instinctively what prostitution and pornography is. It’s not hard to follow this female wisdom coming from our Selves since it’s purely visceral so it’s the easiest thing; no more mental gymnastics, just the simplicity of trusting what your Self tells you.
      Can’t even believe you thought it only happened to you. This is proof of how isolated women really are from each other, which is what enables men to abuse us. Many women/girls may be thinking this only happens to them. In the case of girls, and a lot of teenage girls and young women are victims of this because the youngest generations are the most pornsick, it is also a way of grooming a sexuality that is still developing into slavery. You are definitely not alone, Blueyes. Enough females suffer from this to spark a revolution, if we united forces.

      • smash says:

        Great points, timathydra. We are isolated, we think “this only happens to me”, and men get away with it.

        • tiamathydra says:

          Yes, and it’s so sad. Women have can’t be allowed to match experiences -what Mary Daly would call spinning- because that’s where the force of our resistence stands.

      • Sabrina L. says:

        “As female-bodied beings I would bet my hands that all women know instinctively what prostitution and pornography is.”

        I don’t know about instinctively…whatever was “instinctual” was flushed out of me through exposure to pornographic materials that are normalized in our rape culture. (Oh, and being raped probably helped.) You’re right on about the “grooming a sexuality that is still developing.” I was definitely groomed to accept and eroticize male dominance, so I literally didn’t see the harm in most pornography.

        The difference between a “pornsick bastard” and ME was that I didn’t identify and want to emulate the aggressor, I was fine (made myself be fine?) with the idea of being degraded and dehumanized. Which is, in a word, sick.

    • Dan Kleinman says:

      @blueyes1005: This YouTube DIRECTLY addresses people in your situation, describes how they feel, etc., and it appears the speaker is an expert worth contacting for help. Here’s Part 1, then see Part 2 after that: http://youtu.be/lD73ps7HsJ4

    • Oh, Goddesses… RUN AWAY! I wish I was a superhero with a flying boat and I could come get you right NOW. To be awake and know the truth is horrifying and can truly take your breath away. You are NOT alone.

  11. Matt Gusba says:

    I’m an ex porn user and I’d feel bad about it if it would’nt slow me down to stand against it. Really the abuse that porn fuels just reaches all aspects of society. It is a sickness though and if you are a guy that wants real intimacy, a woman that acts like a porn star just makes you wish you skiped the whole ordeal.

  12. blueyes1005 says:

    I have spent the last day, with some help from a computer geek, with the opportunity to look at his internet history. I feel very guilty doing this, I have never “let myself” cross that boundary before…I don’t feel I have the right to trespass but I can’t stand the tension, so I confess I looked. Okay, so I am in shock, I am beyond devastated…you all were right, but I didn’t know how “right” and I am imploded with things I didn’t even know existed. WHERE HAVE I BEEN???!! He has sites for just about everything, lots of MALE porn, lots of really “out there” things that make me SICK. Violence, groups, weird stuff….and he is doing this at times that just kill me now….times he would tell me I’d been working too hard and to “sleep in”….!!! times I would go to bed early. once was ON MY BIRTHDAY which I can’t stand the thought of…all these images and other women …and men…and mostly everything is movies, movies movies…I thought I might find pictures, there aren’t many pictures except “close ups” you know what I mean?…..I haven’t looked at the you tube, but I will….he keeps asking me what is wrong, I just don’t know what to say to him….I feel like all I have been is a convenient person to do some things with, like it wouldn’t even matter if it was ME…and here is the part that really hurts, his hard drive shows he was doing this the whole time we were dating up to the night before we got married!!!!!!!! I don’t know if I can get over this, how could i be so stupid??????? We had these talks when we got serious, he said he HATED PORNOGRAPHY and thought it was ABUSIVE to women!!!! Is he gay because he is looking at all these gay sites???? I felt scared but strong before I “looked” and now I feel scared and weak, like I have no clue who I am with. How can someone lead such a lie? Right in front of me?? Matt…?? If I had a mother to go home to, I would. I don’t have anyone here I can talk to. Thank you for listening and mostly I just wanted you all to know that you are right….I feel like a stranger in my own house. I’m educated, I am a nurse. This is insane…I married the man of my dreams

    • smash says:

      blueyes, first of all, do not blame yourself for not having known. Men can be very sneaky about porn use. We do not want to think of those we love watching horrible abusive content like this. We are not to blame for not knowing otherwise.

      You do not need to feel guilty for having looked at his history. He has created this problem.

      I know that porn users often move from softer stuff to harder stuff over time. I can’t speak to whether watching male/male action means he is gay, though I think it’s too early to tell that.

      A good book on the topic is _Pornland_ by Gail Dines.

      I hope that you save your evidence and that if you ever decide to confront him you are able to back your claims up.

      I am devastated for you that he has done this. I truly wish you peace as you come out the other side of this– whatever happens.

      Thank you for updating us all on this. You are in my– and our– thoughts in this very difficult time.

    • Blueyes, how devastating for you. Words cannot really express the sadness for you. Your life has indeed been turned upsidedown by this discovery. It is the discovery of betrayal. He lied to you, for a very long period of time, and given that track record, you cannot trust him about anything ever again.

      Sadly, you may wish to consider separating from him and rebuilding your life. The entire relationship is based on a web of lies, and it would be nearly impossible to trust him ever again. It is the same level of betrayal as an affair, and that is how it feels to many women who find out about their partner’s secret porn world. If he is a jealous or controlling type, then get some support and advice from domestic abuse advisors before leaving him (it’s just a hunch).

      Given he was looking at porn with the women in it as well as gay porn, he could be bisexual. If he has acted on that, you could be at risk for STDs.

      Best of luck for the future, you will get through it.
      xxx

    • my heart just BREAKS for you blueeyes. being confronted with the horrible truth like that is such a deep soul-shattering betrayal. being betrayed by the man you love, the “man of your dreams” is something that so many of us women have in common. it HURTS. it is physically painful. i remember my heart just racing and thumping hard against the walls of my chest when I had similar discoveries about my ex-husband. i could hear the blood whistling through my ears like wind and I worried I would have a heart attack. i really thought the pain he caused me might kill me.

      Love, romantic love, the ideal of the happy perfect marriage, of the “good” man is such a giant con job. and we as women have the choice of either waking up into bitter reality or keeping our head’s buried in denial. i am not going to promise you that it won’t continue to hurt, A LOT, for quite a while. it will. but i hope that you are able to find some of the peace in understanding that i have myself found in radical feminism. seeing the patterns, the systems that are set up to con and trap you, you can begin to forgive yourself and to let go of your illusions. that, and radical feminists are the most compassionate and principled defenders of women’s tortured hearts to be found.

      please know that you are not alone. and that many wish you nothing but the best

    • I’m so sad and sorry for you! And your experience like too many women’s to count just proves even further how pornography *does* cause harm and definitely very much influences and teaches men’s sexist,woman-hating violent attitudes and behavior and gives them these sick harmful ideas and teaches them the lies and myths that it’s normal and sexy and that this is what most women like and want!

    • Heterosexual former porn using guy explains what is blatanly obvious!

      Forum Name Women’s Rights

      http://www.democraticunderground.com/di … x6696#6812

      6812, Since you
      Posted by gaspee on Sat Mar-31-07 08:28 AM

      — (warning for frank language.)

      Seem to think only people who have seen a lot of porn are qualified to speak, I might meet your qualifications. I’ve watched a lot of porn. I used to have no problem with porn. I *write* erotica for a few online magazines. A few years ago, I got so ed by het porn that I’ve never watched it again. I will watch gay porn, either m/m or made for *women* f/f. I won’t watch made for men f/f.

      porn is degrading to women. Period. Mainstream porn, especailly. I’ve watched a lot of it over the years. I’m no spring chicken. I don’t have a problem watching m/m porn. Funny, that. Know why? because I don’t take it personally when men are treated like a f*ck hole. Hmmm… I think I’m onto why most men don’t have a problem watching women turned into nothing but a place to stick their d*ck.

      When watching for what passes as mainstream porn these days, I get sick to my stomach. Anal, face f*cking to the point where the poor girl is next to vomiting, slapping, demeaning talk. it’s all there in mainstream porn. Why men are so turned on by anal in het porn has always been a mystery to me. Why women do it is another mystery. I can get why men have anal sex. Women do it because men want them to.

      What makes me the most sick is the look in the girls’, oh sorry, *actresses*, eyes. It f*cking kills me these days, which is why I don’t watch het porn any more.

      And I’m speaking as someone who has seen a lot of it.

      Now put on some Bel Ami stuff and my girlfriend and I are quite happy. Why? Watch it sometime, then watch the current top five or ten selling het porn titles and I think you’ll see the difference. And if you don’t, that’s a little scary.

      And to continually say that het porn “isn’t like that” and looking at the top selling and rented titles makes me think you are being disingenious or in plain old denial.

      Because the most popular het porn is like that.

      And someone doesn’t have to watch a lot of porn to see just how degrading to women it is.

      Forum Name Women’s Rights

      Topic subject Hmmm, no response to your post. Wonder why?

      Topic URL http://www.democraticunderground.com/di … x6696#6835

      Posted by Morgana LaFey on Wed Apr-04-07 10:14 PM

      And someone doesn’t have to watch a lot of porn to see just how degrading to women it is.

      Yup.

      and:

      I don’t have a problem watching m/m porn. Funny, that. Know why? because I don’t take it personally when men are treated like a f*ck hole. Hmmm… I think I’m onto why most men don’t have a problem watching women turned into nothing but a place to stick their d*ck.’

      Especially when they’ve been taught and continously reassured that women LIKE that, or if they don’t something wrong with them.

      • About 4 years ago I found an online Salon.com article from 2009 and I forget the title of it and I’d really like to find it again. It was by a woman who said she can tell when one of her male lovers is a pornography user because they have sex in a very detached,unaffectionate mechanical way. And she said her boyfriend was jack hammering away.In this article was a sex educator who contributes to I think an erotic site for women Babeland. And she said that men have been imitating pornography for years.And she said that in 2008 Babeland took a big poll of women and asked them what are the myths pornography teaches men about women and sex.

        I have a feeling that her husband is or was a big pornography user & then she watched it with him,which research shows is usually because of a male partner,and she wrote her books from what she saw,and was taught to her as “normal” and “sexy”!

        They said,That women get orgasims from penatration,that women like to have semen on their faces,that anal(sh*thole!) sex is sexy and that women like very big penises. Isn’t it that something scerwed up,that these are EXACTLY the damaging lies,myths and distortions that E.L James writes,promotes,normalizes,and reinforces in her horrible sexist,woman-hating,sexualizing,& eroticizing men’s violence against women books! I have a feeling that E.L James’s husband is or was a big pornography user & then she watched it with him,which research shows is usually because of a male partner,and then she wrote her books from what she saw,and was taught to her as “normal” and “sexy”. And or she was sexually and physically abused either as a child or as an adult.

  13. pisaquaririse says:

    Oh blueyes. 😦 That is a veil you cannot un-lift. Countless women have come to this desert, this scorched landscape that constitutes men\’s sexuality–it is unlivable, unthinkable! The lies, the betrayal, the substitutions for time with you. How dare he.

    You were absolutely right to do what you did. He is emotionally abusing you. Every last shred of evidence is justification for pursuing as much truth as your heart can handle. If you\’re like me, those truths, in time, will reconfigure every memory you have with him (in autopilot setting) and you will fall thoroughly out of love.

    As for his sexuality, there is nothing that really encapsulates his interests or activities except for, maybe, ”Pervesexual.” He is a pervert (as most, if not all, men are). The sociology and psychology fields have not yet caught up with what is happening to men who are jacking off to every goddamn thing under the sun (animals, children, inanimate objects, male-on-male, female-on-horse, and on and on). Instead, women are left in shambles as they confront this pandemic in silence or in the company of those who would tell them to a. get over it or b. join in. It is a violation of your emotional and physical person-hood on every level and anyone who tells you differently needs to stay clear of your path to getting the hell out.
    I would also agree with the point about an STD check. It is peace of mind if nothing else.

    Do you have anywhere you can go? Do you need someone to e-mail about this? There are *so many women* who have been here.

    If it is any consolation – and I realize that might be hard to come by right now – your devastation is partially due to your own capacity to love. As in: you cannot *fathom* betraying another person like this or forgoing a connection/respect-based sexuality with the debasing and sick images or videos he has chosen. He does not know how to feel what you feel and won\’t figure it out in his lifetime. You have and will love harder, more fully than he ever will and you will do it again one day (if only with yourself–a great person to treat so wonderfully).

    Until then, hold fast to the people and beliefs that affirm your brave and necessary actions. There is already a vast cohort of women standing by your side. You can do this.

  14. blueyes1005 says:

    Thank you pisaquaririse and everyone. I really wish this was, or there was, someway to get all of this more out in the open. Now that I know other women have been/are in the same situation there has to be some way to make women more publicly aware….like pre-nuptial counseling needs this in it’s program!!! If not for the guy to answer honestly, for the girl to know WHAT TO LOOK FOR!! I am not a stupid person, I am well educated, I am a registered nurse…I am not overly religious, but I do consider myself very spiritual. I maybe have “overprotected myself” if that is possible. I just don’t gravitate toward people who tell dirty jokes or find base humor amusing and guys who come across as sexist or sexualize women in talk/interactions are guys I avoid. I didn’t like guys who hit on me because they liked my “looks” I went for guys that liked how I viewed the world…like my husband did. I have not caught up somehow with what is happening in the world…in the process of protecting myself/setting boundaries for what I find acceptable, I guess I have set myself up for not being informed…like I have no “street wisdom”…I think now that is why he picked me, because that was very important to him falling in love with me…I was so “innocent and sweet” but smart and strong. I feel like my innocence is gone and I am so mad at him for using me because that is how I feel, I think he used me I think he would have used me forever to hide his demons. I make him look NORMAL and “moral”. I am the “perfect wife”. I don’t have anyone to email or talk to and I have never used a blog before (I know…I sound like I’m from the dark ages…it has been my choice) so I am self conscious that I’m not sure if I am sharing too much or if I am dominating the space. If I have, I am sorry. I just can’t thank you enough. I have made an appointment with a counselor. I’m too embarrassed to share this kind of thing with anyone and pretty soon he is going to rage at me for avoiding him, I need help confronting him, I don’t know what he will do, but I do have the usb port that has copies of his downloads and I will give it to him because if I don’t have proof he’ll call me a liar.

    • smash says:

      Blueyes, you are not dominating the space at all. We are glad you are here.

      I’m very glad to hear you are visiting a counselor. I caution you that many counselors think porn use is no big deal, so be sure to choose one who respects the fact that this is unacceptable behavior.

      Knowing the truth is unbearably difficult, but as pisaquaririse says, this is a veil we cannot un-lift.

      Take care of yourself in this difficult time. You never deserved this kind of treatment. Never feel guilty or ashamed- he is the one at fault.

      • Missfit says:

        ‘many counselors think porn use is no big deal’

        That’s the worst; the fact that porn seems so widely accepted. Porn is referred to in vague terms and portrayed as ‘cool’. Many women don’t know how heinous and violent mainstream porn has become. Men know this – they are the one asking, looking, consuming more and more degrading material. Men know – this is why they try to keep their partner in the dark, because they know she would be rightly offended. Then when she find out and rightly act repulsed and outraged, they try to convince her that she is overreacting. They make us look like we are the one with a problem. And they have malestream society to back them up. It sometimes makes me feel as if I was sent back 200 years ago discussing with people defending and justifying black slavery and being attacked for expressing that slavery is wrong while I know that I am the one being humane and moral.

      • Except if they are true good feminist counselors they get the real issue about pornography and how sexist,woman-hating,dehumanizing,sick ,harmful and violent it really is!

    • Blueyes, I missed this comment of yours upthread:
      He won’t talk, I’ve tried. If I bring this up he will become furious and accuse me of attacking his character…the last time we had a disagreement about some part of this, he left and didn’t come home for a day.

      Given all the circumstances surrounding this, his behaviour when challenged, his long term lying and double personae (as well as his porn use) – this is not someone you should be thinking about staying with, nor trying to ‘help him with his problem’. You have said you are not streetwise in these matters, and what I have just told you is the information that you need to make an informed decision. Getting married to him was not an informed decision, you were duped into marrying him, a lie. This is not something you can save. He has a domestic abuser personality, he ticks enough of these boxes. Many a woman has remained trapped in a domestic abuse situation through love, pity or compassion for the abuser. How they get trapped into that relationship is because he seems nice, compatible, different to the others – but it is a con until they have you committed into the relationship. This is textbook. Women are not generally stupid, they don’t pick abusers because they want to be abused, they are tricked into it. Again I stress, consult with a DV drop-in centre, and work together on an exit plan. Don’t worry about the porn partner support group stuff, you need to get away. And safely.

      Sorry, but I needed to be blunt – I sensed the shift in your last comment to trying to resolve this (and getting caught up in the ‘proof’ thing) – I don’t want to see you trapped in a relationship that is bound to get much worse. Cut your losses.

    • tiamathydra says:

      ‘It sometimes makes me feel as if I was sent back 200 years ago discussing with people defending and justifying black slavery and being attacked for expressing that slavery is wrong while I know that I am the one being humane and moral.’
      LOL the same happens to me, I feel like I’m discussing slavery with people from another century. I usully don’t have the guts to discuss porn openly with doods in real life (it’s enough to know that they use it, I don’t wanna hear them justify it anyway because it makes me sick) but knowing in what kind of culture we are immersed and that people think it’s the natural and inevitable order of things and that there’s no problem with it… it makes me think of the ancient regime somehow, that these people are so obsolete and narrow-minded (ever notice how words in patriarchy are distorted and used against women? men use to call us ‘narrow-minded’ for not accepting porn). Most people are still living by Biblical principles, porn-culture is the same as the Bible = woman must be the slave of men, the purpose of woman is to serve men. When I see a pornsick guy defending his beloved material as if it was the most modern, liberating discovery in the world, I think of a priest in medieval times. They’re the same.

      Blueyes, your story makes me so sad and I identify with you. I’m diagnosed with some patriarchal invention called ‘asperger’s syndrome’ which is a mild condition supposedly in autism-spectrum, which to me simply means I’m very introverted so I don’t have a lot of street smarts or emotional intelligence either and that makes me very naïve socially, and goddess knows males who didn’t know me well have tried to take advantage of that so many times unfortunately (they thought I was slightly retarded maybe? which I’m not). I’ve seen the ‘ugly face’ of so many males who are thought to be caring, loving guys or have a great reputation, and obviously I haven’t told anyone because all females know that when it’s our word against a man’s word, we better shut up. I know what it is to block reality from entering your mind because it’s too painful, however, the information enters the dark recesses of your knowledge anyways, and when you get into radical feminism it successfully discloses and you finally have full access to it.

      Don’t spend anymore energy or time in your husband, he doesn’t deserve anything from you. If you tell people in your life who are not radical feminists about your husband’s porn use, you need to know that you are probably going to be told over and over again by many of them, that it’s your problem, that you have to stop being so childish and selfish, that you better accept it, that you should ‘respect’ his habits… *especially* counselors, psychologists, sexologists. Do not forget for a moment that they are part of patriarchal institutions made by men for the benefit of men at our expense, and have studied male-created degrees at male universities and their job, whether they’re aware of it or not, is partly to reinsert dissident women into being useful for the patriarchy again.

      Reality is awful and this world is fucked up and sci-fi? Yes, it’s true. Some women deny it by embracing their housewife role, others by embracing the slut role, others like us both used to deny it by simply blocking reality from entering our minds and dreaming of another world as much as you could. But no strategy to deny male abuse works in the end, we are cannon fodder, all of us. When we realize this, we become powerful, we learn to stop directing our love and empathy to men who don’t deserve it and we start directing it to the ones who really need it; women.
      Be strong and, be it a counselor or a friend or whoever, NEVER let anybody tell you that your pain is not justified or real and that your perceptions are wrong and need to be changed into other perceptions that beneift male use of pornography.

  15. Missfit says:

    It is really mind-boggling. People will generally agree (at least publicly) that things like sexism, racism and torture are wrong. Unless you put the label ‘sex’ (‘porn’) on it? Then it should suddenly become acceptable? How a woman is supposed to react when she sees things done to a teenage girl that she knows, instinctively, no teenage girl in her right mind, across time and place, would want to be done to her body?

    ‘porn-culture is the same as the Bible = woman must be the slave of men, the purpose of woman is to serve men’.

    Exactly. People try to oppose porn and religion’s views of sexuality (porn being the liberation of sexuality and religion being the repression of sexuality) while both perpetuate the same definition of sexuality which is that sex is dirty and thus women (=sex) are dirty and that they must be punished somehow.

    • I have always said the *same* things,that religion and pornography are the same in their sexist,woman-hating and male dominated attitudes and institutions,thet are only different morally!

  16. Sarah says:

    [This comment needs a TW. Carry on then. -smash]

    Lonely indeed. A couple of anecdotes from pornsick bastards I have known:

    A good friend of mine, intelligent in most other respects, genuinely believes the women in porn videos are NOT ACTING (his reasoning being that no one would go into porn who didn’t enjoy it – right. That’s why there are McDonald’s employees and office drones – we LOVE what we do). We have watched porn together and I’ve provided running humorous commentary, “Oh REALLY, dudebro? You’re going to whap her what with your WHAT? Yeah, good idea.” His response? “Well, she seems to be enjoying it.”

    This is such an amazing feat of cognitive dissonance that I’m borderline impressed.

    • He’s just another fucking sociopathic moron. Ugh. Men are fucking entitled to make up any shit they want, without ever THINKING. And, if you don’t believe him, you’re the crazy one. I’d avoid that turd like the plague he is.

  17. tiamathydra says:

    ‘People try to oppose porn and religion’s views of sexuality (porn being the liberation of sexuality and religion being the repression of sexuality) while both perpetuate the same definition of sexuality which is that sex is dirty and thus women (=sex) are dirty and that they must be punished somehow.’

    Yes, and they also have the Biblical belief that our destiny is to suffer. If society as a whole is ok with the violent, disadvantaged and sordid reality of women’s lives as a result of male power, and thinks that the mental horror and nullification we are subjected to in all areas of life is the inevitable order of things, it means it is still widely believed that women must suffer and be punished for being women or otherwise ‘nature’s’ or ‘the species’ order will disrupt. I once read an article about Neanderthal women who used to hunt and therefore were independent from men, and the headline was ”How feminism made Neanderthals go extinct”. Men want to make us pay for the fact of being females somehow, they can’t stand it. To the sex-pozzies and BDSM supporters you ask ”and why should women enjoy being punished or hurt sexually, more than men?” and they have no answer because they obscure sex as a class with their individualistic liberalism, but the underlying answer which no one says is: ”women should enjoy being sexually punished and hurt because their bodies are inherently dirty and evil”. The principles are the same as those of patriarchal religions, nothing has changed, and apparently it takes too much thinking outside the box and courage to be authentically transgressive, which the only really transgressive thing in this world is to believe women are human and to genuinely care for them, and only radfems do this.

  18. survivorthriver says:

    I’m solo mom 18 years and celibate 8 years. In 2002 my partner wanted to cum on my face. I said no, and he didn’t just shrug it off, he felt offended and really mystified. I did not know about modern porn then. The “Anal Wars” ha ha never started. He did use some ugly slang and pushed my head down really hard and that was the last time he touched me. I felt sorry for him, and then learned through the pornharms and other NGO’s about the modern gonzo porn.

    I told both my daughters about this gonzo porn epidemic. My 20 year old says she doesn’t relate with men her age, and sadly said, “I don’t know why they think they have to be so mean.” I told both daughters to screen for porn use. Yourbrainonporn documents twith MRI’s that the pornsick brain can return to more normal after cessation of porn use.

    We need our early “stranger danger” to include not to let people show young people these private pictures, because these are often used to groom vicitms. Girls need to know they can say no to viewing objectionable images, they get to define what is healthy for them to view.

    I feel sympathetic for you blueeyes, because I remember how betrayed I felt when my partner was asking me to do “new” things and then I found out he was a pornhead. After that I became educated about the issue because it was so troubling. I too, have been called a prude since my coming of age in early 1970’s by liberal men who manipulated and coerced me to have casual sex, or “date sex” or this disgusting boyfriend that wanted to sperm my face. NO THANKS dudes. It’s really sad to have my intimate space violated by this guy’s consumption of rape of women porn. It’s still so upsetting and I’m now much happier as a lapsed het than ever before.

    I was careful to always earn my own way. I think women can consider a life of independence from men that way. Things with women and men were way different when I was young, before this porn epidemic. Men may think they won some crumb of victory over women by being porntards, but they are losing the battle when it comes to creating intimacy with a woman.

    22-43% of American women now report lack of sexual desire to their doctors. Guess why?

    Here is my idea: women are purchasers of cable television services. Demand that our providers do NOT stream any XXX content. And, the Comcast who provides local service and earns $1Billion a year profit on this woman hating propoganda. Why don’t women demand “clean” broadband. Before I cancelled Comcast due to a move, I asked them how I can speak to a manager about their XXX services to which I object. The customer service was all over it with my filters and blocks I could put on my services. No, I don’t want my broadband carrier profiting off pornography which depicts harm to women, period.

  19. blueyes1005 says:

    Well, I guess I have jump started the process of leaving. I have been so helped by this blog, I don’t even know how to explain just how much…enough that I got my husband to agree to go to a counselor who could see us on Saturday, a therapist who knew I wanted to do an intervention really, and who was prepared to give him information for a recovery center locally that works with various sexual addictions…I wouldn’t tell him why and I am amazed he agreed to go, except that I told him it was just for one time so that I could tell him what is bothering me. I believe his curiosity got him there. I told him how his use of pornography made me feel. He told the therapist he didn’t know what I was talking about. I gave him another chance to be honest and he denied it again! So I pulled out the USB and told him that I knew by his internet history that he is using everyday, what and when and then I told him that I love him and we can work through this if he will get help. He went into a rage, swearing at me, calling me unbelievable names, telling me he “hated” me and the marriage is OVER because I DECEIVED HIM by using software on his computer, so he “can never trust me again”. It is all MY fault. I know intellectually, because of what all of you have shared with me, that isn’t true. I also know the jello feeling I had going into that office yesterday was at least a “feeling” because today I am numb. The therapist wouldn’t let me go home with him, which I think was smart. I stayed in a hotel last night and will again tonight. He’s capable of not answering the phone for days after this. Unless he has a change of heart (the therapist thinks it is unlikely) I realize my marriage is over…I also realize that the last 18 months have been with someone I only thought I knew, and that this hasn’t ever been a “marriage”. I sound so logical on paper but inside I feel like a huge part of me is dying. I see the therapist (who I like) again tomorrow and I have been able to take the next two days off work. Thank you for making me feel understood, not crazy, and not over-sensitive or reactive. Thank you for giving me information that I couldn’t seem to find before. Thank you for caring. Some of you give me hope I will get over this. All of you make me realize I would NEVER have a child with this man…I just hope it is possible someday to find a man that is worthy of something so preciousl. I am lucky I found out now…I think I’m going to move back to where I lived before we got married, where I have friends and some family. I’m too alone.

    • Missfit says:

      ‘because I DECEIVED HIM by using software on his computer, so he “can never trust me again”. It is all MY fault.’

      I read this kind of comment on many columns and discussions, saying that the woman did not have the right to look into her partner’s computer, she snooped, breached his sacrosanct privacy, blablabla. It is a tactic to put the blame on the woman in order to avoid the real issue which they try to frame as a ‘private’ issue but that is having real consequences on the woman’s well-being.

      A woman who is questioning herself and her relationship needs to know all the facts and the reasons why her intimate life is so unsatisfactory. It is her right to know. If she asks questions to her partner and he is lying to her, she is in her right to find the truth by herself; her psychological wellbeing is at stake. It is important to know with whom exactly we are sharing our life; otherwise, what’s the point? Believe me, I would never have bought a house and have a child with my ex if I knew he derived pleasure from looking at girls being humiliated and sexually hurt. For me, such a person can not be a good person at heart. THEY are the deceivers!

      I wish you all the best. A breakup is hard but it is often the only path to sanity. I am now at peace with myself and I know I couldn’t if I stayed with my ex. I got closer to some of my female friends. Reading on feminism and spirituality helped me too. Good luck!

    • Grackle says:

      Oh blueyes, I am sending you so many hugs. You are so brave to have stood up for yourself, and your husband’s reaction makes it even MORE clear that you’ve done the right thing.

    • pisaquaririse says:

      Good.For.You.
      The hardest part is over. It really is.
      The sad parts, the guilty parts, the remorseful parts, the “oh no do I take him back?” parts–they may or may never come (righteous, justified anger is one hell of a time saver in these matters). But you stood his lies down and were, thus, given the opportunity to glimpse at the pornsick monster many men manage to keep hidden. Be so relieved blueeyes! The part of your heart that is breaking is so much smaller than the part he would have broken down the road.
      The other thing you may be going through – and hope I am not projecting – is a much larger break-up with loving men–or, at least, feeling good about trusting and loving men. That’s a colossal undoing and a lot to take on while amidst this emotional upheaval. Might I suggest you go easy on your head and heart for a short while and focus on getting out of your immediate state of shock and sorrow? The larger questions around men and how to relate to them will happen naturally and you have a great many blogs (linking from this one and *including this one*) from which to explore such questions.

      pisaquari @ gmail < feel free to use it

    • smash says:

      blueyes, I’m glad that you can see that he is a manipulator and you have left. I’m so sorry for this difficult part of your life, but I am glad it is happening now rather than later.

      It’s almost freeing in a way to recognize the truth– even though it hurts so unbelievably much.

      I truly do believe that you will get over this and will be better on the other side.

      Always feel free to stop by here if you need support, or email any of us.

      Best of luck with your move. Take good care of yourself, okay?

      We care. *hugs*

    • Sabrina L. says:

      I am SO GLAD you found a therapist that behaved appropriately in this situation! Isn’t it mind boggling that if you hadn’t held up that usb stick, he may have kept up the denial? The…audacity! Then, weren’t you lucky that he showed his true colors, right there in the therapist’s office! I hope that, in the midst of all the pain and feelings of betrayal and anger and despair and horrible everything, you can summon up some tiny modicum of triumph. THIS MAN HAS NO REAL POWER OVER YOU. And for that I look at you admiringly.

  20. tiamathydra says:

    ”The other thing you may be going through – and hope I am not projecting – is a much larger break-up with loving men–or, at least, feeling good about trusting and loving men. That’s a colossal undoing and a lot to take on while amidst this emotional upheaval.”

    Yes this is true. When you have been with a particular male and you know he is an asshole, you can stop loving him and you can even feel that righteous hate at him, but it’s harder to see men as a class as harmful to women and stop caring about them. Of course many of us who are not separatists have a few men in our lives that we trust and love, but that should be earned by them and we should be the ones who decide and judge if they are worth our respect, because they are in a privileged position while we are in an oppressed position. So it should them who had something to prove to us (that they see us as human, for instance), not the opposite. For heterosexual women it’s toughter to be a feminist because it interferes with your attraction to the oppressor, but it’s also true that as you get deeper into feminism, few men will end up seeming attractive to you, as it will become much easier for you to spot entitlement and misogyny and you will see it in most of them, so you will instantly feel disgusted by them. But yes, we should always have a distrust of men in general, and only when one of them has really proven that he does not operate by patriarchal paradigms can we consider him an ally.

    • Grackle says:

      “Of course many of us who are not separatists have a few men in our lives that we trust and love, but that should be earned by them and we should be the ones who decide and judge if they are worth our respect, because they are in a privileged position while we are in an oppressed position.”

      Well said.

  21. survivorthriver says:

    This has been a really fascinating sharing. Blueeyes, you really stayed present for yourself, asked hard questions, and went very quickly through reaction to taking direct action. I’m buoyed by the support from others you found here and your openness to exploring your own situation and learning new information fast.

    I admire your courage.

    Do we women here need some good old -fashioned clever slogans on t-shirts to raise public awareness on lousy porn infesting our entire culture?

    “You want what? You FIRST”

    “What do Abu Graib and porn have in common?”

    “And you think lying paid women are hot?”

    “Porn – creating new Viagra customers every day”

    How can we ridicule and make porn lose it’s allure and hidden mystery?

    I think that breaking the silence is the best strategy. Breaking silence is what women did to grow public awareness of the prevalence of rape and molestation. Thank you all, and Blueeyes especially, for helping to break the silence around the epidemic of violent and degrading porn.

    Then I think a groundswell of snarky public attitude by women about the porn-torture industry could go viral?

  22. When I was in my early 30’s (over twenty years ago) I had a roommate (not a lover, just one of several people living in a large house) who went with friends to a really nasty strip club and came back bragging about the experience and about the fact that he “got the number” of one of the strippers for a planned “hook-up” later.

    I was HORRIFIED at this and wanted to have nothing to do with him afterwards. He simply couldn’t understand why I thought his behavior was so disgusting. The fact that going to the strip club gave him a physiological experience of sexual pleasure was his only yardstick with which to measure his choice. I tried (briefly) to explain to him that just because something gives him “wood”, that didn’t mean that it was a honorable, respectful or “good” thing to do. I pointed out how many of these women are little more than economic sex slaves, how many of them are rape and incest survivors/run-aways who use drugs just to get through their shift, plus the incidence of long-term PTSD in “sex workers”.

    I might as well have been speaking to a rock. He heard nothing, did the usual come-back of “you’re just being a prude” or some such nonsense.

    I have known for a long time that porn proliferation and “sex work” mainstreaming is BAD NEWS for women. Of course they want to treat us like the women they see in porn. They’ve been brain-washed to believe that viciously hurting and degrading women is “normal” and that any woman who wants to retain her ability to control her own bowels is “anti-sex” and “hung up” and a “prude”.

    Goddess help us all.

  23. Pingback: Radfem Reboot Day One: Rebooting Radical Feminism « smashesthep

  24. Miranda says:

    This is one of the best, most powerful pieces on porn I’ve ever read. I heart you for the amazing work you’re doing here, Smash. I just linked to this piece on my Facebook page. Can’t wait to see all the pornsick dudes come out of the woodwork to defend their right to wank off to women’s oppression. Fucking bastards.

    • smash says:

      Wow, thanks so much for saying so Miranda 🙂

      You are so right that the pornsick dudes will come out in force to defend their right to wank. It’s so overwhelming when they do, so be sure to take care of yourself in the wake of the onslaught.

  25. Pingback: how do I know if my husband watches porn? | smashesthep

  26. Being a so-called “prude” isn’t the issue at all and it’s such an injustice and horrible thing that women have to *prove* what the injust issue that would be blatantly obvious to most people if if was sexualized hatred,violence and inequality of Black people for white people or Jews for German Nazis,that was the majority of pornography,and I’m sure it would just be Black and Jewish people that would understand and be outraged! Only when it’s sexualized men’s hatred,cruelty and violence against women is it OK!

    But besides this,the 2000 Webster New World dictionary says the word prude derives from the French word Proud woman,so being a proud woman who protests against sexisim,violence against women and hatred of women either sexual or non-sexual is something to be proud of!

  27. thevenusenvy says:

    I was given this submission by an eloquent schoolboy, some of the young males are resisting, but they are finding it difficult http://thevenusenvy.wordpress.com/2013/06/04/how-porn-has-destroyed-my-generation-guest-post-by-james-marchant-age-17/

    • smash says:

      Thanks for stopping by, tve. It’s good to see at least some saying no to porn. There is a group of men on reddit who are trying to stop. They can be found at reddit.com/r/nofap.

      Some of them wish to stop for feminist reasons, and some because of ED. Nevertheless, it’s good to see the effort.

  28. Sally Mae Sue says:

    I found out my “fiance” had been a pornsick bastard the entire time of our pathetic five year relationship. While we are still engaged (I’m trying to work up the courage to get out of it.) I found all of his porn sites on his computer and after 5 years of being together. after I found the porn sites, I confronted him and he finally admitted that he had watched porn through out the entire time period of our relationship. A lot of women make excuses for their men by saying it’s only “natural,” but in reality, is it too much to ask for the same 100% commitment and faithfulness that we give them? No, I don’t think so. Back to my personal story, my “fiance” blamed me and told me I was the one responsible for his porn addiction because he only “watched girls who looked like me.” I allowed him to blame me for the longest time, which was a mistake. He said it was only because he “wanted me so bad” that he watched porn as much as he did. How fucked up is that? And I’m sure he still watches porn. If any woman out there is dealing with this(and obviously there are), you need to realize your worth and know that you are completely worthy of a love that distributes the same amount of effort that you put forth. Men ARE NOT entitled to treat our bodies in any way they please. And when I end this relationship, I’ll be damned if I hop into another one for a very long time. It honestly isn’t worth the pain and mental exhaustion. I’m not a man hater by any means, but I am a porn sick bastard hater. Well put, by the way. And thanks for writing. Stay strong, ladies.

    • smash says:

      Thanks for your comment Sally. I hope you are able to exit this relationship soon. You’re absolutely right that men love to find a way to pin their abuse on us. It’s so messed up!

      Thank you for stopping by. You are not alone!

  29. Have you ever thought about writing an e-book or guest authoring on other blogs?
    I have a blog based upon on the same subjects you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my viewers would
    value your work. If you are even remotely interested,
    feel free to send me an e-mail.

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